


Maybe Together We Can Get Somewhere (Any Place is Better)

by alittlebitcloser



Series: I Reach For You And You Bring Me Home [1]
Category: RuPaul's Drag Race RPF
Genre: 80s AU, 80s dykes in London, Big Pride (2014) vibes, Bookstore AU, F/F, POV all over the place because I'm what? Inconsistent
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-14
Updated: 2020-08-08
Packaged: 2021-03-05 01:33:30
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 27,824
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25266151
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alittlebitcloser/pseuds/alittlebitcloser
Summary: “Can I help you?” She sounded bemused, questioning, and Jan felt as though she’d been caught. Her gaze was strong and clear, causing Jan to finger the bottom of her crop top, feeling fidgety under her scrutiny.“Lesbian-” she blurted, immediately bringing her hand up to her mouth and giggling. God, Jan, get it together. “Fiction! Lesbian fiction. Please.”****It's London in 1988 and Jan desperately needs direction. Jackie works in a queer bookstore and could be the one to give it to her.
Relationships: Jackie Cox/Jan Sport, Little bit of Lemon/Priyanka, Little bit of Sasha Velour/Shea Coulee
Series: I Reach For You And You Bring Me Home [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1874350
Comments: 130
Kudos: 130





	1. February

**Author's Note:**

> I rewatched the movie Pride (if you haven't seen it I IMPLORE YOU) and wanted to indulge an idea I couldn't shake! This is a little dedication to one of my favourite places in London, the queer bookstore Gay's The Word, where I cannot wait to return to once the world feels a bit safer.
> 
> It's very different to what I wrote last and I'm very keen! I hope you enjoy it.

Jackie Cox owed everything to her job. At college, she majored in English Literature and minored in French despite her parents gunning for her to read medicine and do honour to her roots (especially her Persian ones). She knew that they just wanted the best for her, but in reality she fainted at the sight of blood and was far too romantic for clear cut facts and cutting open cadavers. She was sure they wouldn’t have minded her romanticism as much if it was inclined towards men, but all of the poetry Jackie had ever written was about strong thighs, soft curves and full lips. 

When her mother found the scrawls that covered secret notebooks all hell had broken loose in their home. Jackie scrambled for excuses but the piles of illicit writings were found in _her_ room buried deep underneath _her_ underwear. She felt guilty for making her mother face something so unknown and unfamiliar to her, but Jackie was her daughter and she had known her all her life. Her daughter was a lesbian. She always had been, that much was certain. 

The discovery of her poetry left behind a strain even though it was deftly swept under the rug. Jackie was quick to move out for her studies with the knowledge that it would only be a matter of time before said rug could be pulled from under her if she stuck around. She spent her university days devouring Rita Mae Brown, Pat Parker and Mary Oliver, proudly displaying the collections of poetry and novels on her bookshelf. She never asked her parents to visit, always insisting that she would go home for dinner or for weekends if they wanted to see her. The thought of dismantling her self-made sanctuary to protect herself made her feel sick and she refused to do it. This was also the sanctuary where she had turned the theory of her lesbianism into practice, and she absolutely refused to let her parents step into somewhere so sacrosanct to her.

After university, Jackie would never say that she ‘ran away’ to England, but that’s exactly what she did. She took advantage of the dual citizenship courtesy of her father because after three years of living so freely away from home, she refused to bind herself to her roots again. The winding vines of home would suffocate her. She was proud of her culture, and she wanted it to grow with who she was, but she quickly realised that this was something she could only make happen by herself. 

She was jobless but happy when she moved in with her aunt in Richmond, endlessly assuring her that it was only until she got on her feet _._ Bob - the owner of the bookstore - took a chance on her. _Category Is..._ was a queer bookstore that sat on a quaint street in the heart of Bloomsbury, London. After her interview with the charming and quick-witted owner, who had the loudest laugh she’d ever heard, Jackie had stood outside and admired the small rainbow window display with hope. Her cheeks stung in the cold but she couldn’t bring herself to leave, her face bathed in the apricot glow emanating from the shop. It was only four o’clock, but it got dark early in the Winter months.

“Jackie!” A yell came from the upstairs window above the store. It was Bob.

“Yes?”

“Stop staring at the rainbows and take your ass home! It’s freezing! Ya’ll can stare on Monday when you start at ten. Don’t be late!”

Jackie’s face had blossomed into a wide smile as she pulled her coat tighter around herself. She had always felt like her life was a cacophony of noise, specifically white noise that she couldn’t manage to speak over. This was the start to something just as fraught with fighting, but a little more peaceful.

****

When Jan was given the chance to get away from New Jersey and grab a scholarship to complete the final year of her literature degree in London, she studied hard, spending her days lost in library stacks. After attending an all-girls catholic school, it disappointed her when university wasn’t the tether to freedom she thought it would be. She had envisioned _finding herself_ in a way that wasn’t sneaking kisses from straight girls in sleepover games of seven minutes in heaven that led to huge - and absolutely true - rumours. In all honesty, she was just surprised it hadn’t already happened from the fact she played on the soccer team over at the neighbouring boys’ school (of course, the girls’ school did not have a team).

Going to college, Jan expected to find her people, her circle, when instead she found judgemental girls who found her persistent bubbliness irritating, and the kind of guys who goaded her for fighting the corner of feminism no matter what they were reading in class. "Oh, here we go," they would groan and she would pleasantly beam right back at them with a "Well, actually gorg…" to kick off her rant. She loved to frustrate them, piping up to play devil’s advocate and flipping her voluminous, blonde hair over her shoulder as she argued her points. They didn’t get it, and neither did most of her tutors. 

London began to feel like the ultimate escape. She dreamt that this scholarship would give her the new life she wanted, surrounded by people who were like her. In all honesty, she loved to sing, dance and dress up, but that didn’t seem like a viable career option according to her parents. They loved her, and encouraged her more towards her love for literature, something about the skills being more transferable for jobs in the future. Jan was adaptable by nature, and therefore became dedicated to writing about what she loved at all times, even if it was pop music. She still felt perturbed when she remembered the embarrassing office hour she’d spent being practically laughed at for pitching an essay idea about why Madonna’s _Material Girl_ was actually a love letter to feminism.

When she finally arrived in London and things didn’t kickstart the way she wanted them to, Jan felt it like an electric shock, and the lingering current ached in her veins. In her first week, it poured every single day, and a double decker bus went straight through a deep puddle, soaking her through. She remembers this as a rather fitting manifestation of her first few months in the city. She had grimaced through her days, giving into evenings curled up while the rain hammered against her windows. _Dreamin’_ by Blondie played in the background, and for once, the music didn’t bring her comfort, it only made her resent her overactive hopes. _Classic Jan._ Maybe it was time to give up on relentless optimism.

It wasn’t that Jan found it difficult to make friends, she was bubbly and bright and easy to talk to. Some of the people from her course and living in her accommodation were very nice, but that was it. They were nice. They were also very straight, and Jan had all but convinced herself that London was going to be a lesbian paradise. 

She had friendly acquaintances. She kept up her habits of sparring with self proclaimed posh boys who loved Hemingway, and realised that English boys could be even more up themselves than American ones. She became constantly frustrated with the inability some of her peers had to take her seriously. They took one look at the way she paired thick headbands with DIY crop tops in pinks and purples and wrote her off. Jan simply smacked her lips together to taste her grape flavoured lip gloss and happily laid her glittery pencil case on the desk in front of her, thrilled at the idea of it annoying someone. 

However, Jan only really started to settle in after the Christmas break. She’d gone home and sobbed to her parents about not going back, but after some gentle coaxing, she knew that they hadn’t raised a quitter. Upon her return, she was assigned a new personal tutor who would oversee her studies, be there for pastoral care, help with essays, anything she needed really; when they clicked immediately, Jan was thrilled to have an ally and no longer felt so stranded.

The tutor insisted that Jan called her Peppermint. Apparently, everybody called her that. Nothing formal, she had said, anything even remotely close to ‘professor’ made her cringe. She was kind yet firm, with a sprinkling of boldness that worked to make Jan giggle. When they laughed together, people walking down the corridors would stop because of the raucous sounds within the walls. She was originally a New Yorker, and her brashness and harsh vowels made Jan feel a little more at home. Peppermint’s stories quickly became her favourite part of the week. 

Jan would chirp a happy “Pep!” whenever she sat down in the chair opposite her desk, immediately stealing a mint from the glass bowl close by. She would use this chance to vent (well, talk shit about some of her peers), learn, laugh and get feedback on her work. It helped that Peppermint let Jan talk smack about some of her fellow students, winking and stating _no comment,_ which of course meant that she agreed. They understood each other to a certain extent. Jan had heard about the way some students treated Peppermint because of the whispers that went through the halls, and she was always determined to stand up for her. Jan was proud to be taught by her, proud to know her, and proud to stand with her.

It was late February when Jan found out about the bookstore. The air was icy and snow threatened to ruin her freshly permed hair on a daily basis as she danced between the black ice on the pavement during her crisp walks to early morning lectures.

“Jan! One more thing.” Peppermint said at the end of their meeting as Jan began to pop her notebooks away into her bag, biting her lip as her mind whirred with the advice she had been given regarding her latest assignment. Peppermint’s voice was kind. “I think I know what might help you.”

“What is it?” Jan’s eyes were attentive, ready to take in whatever Peppermint had to say. She hadn’t failed her yet.

“My friend owns a bookstore not far from here. I go over there on Thursdays for a group sometimes. I think you’d like it.” Peppermint was writing on a small piece of paper, eyes shooting up to Jan every now and then as she spoke with a knowing smile. “It will help with your wider reading for your studies, but most of all, I just think you’ll appreciate it.”

 _“O-kay.”_ Jan spoke slowly and raised an eyebrow at her cryptic tone, but Peppermint looked very purposeful with whatever she was alluding to.

“Just trust me.” She remarked as Jan took the paper, looking down at Peppermint’s neat handwriting.

 _Category Is… - Marchmont St  
_ _Russell Sq - Piccadilly Line_

“I’ll check it out! Thanks, Pep.” Jan smiled toothily at her, shrugging as she pulled her bomber jacket over her shoulders and adjusted her crop top (even in the colder months, she wasn’t about to sacrifice her aesthetic). 

She neatly folded the piece of paper and zipped it into her pocket for safekeeping, pulling out her Walkman to accompany her on the walk home. Maybe she’d hit the bookstore later. 

****

Nicky was a Parisienne with cropped blonde hair and a predilection for French post-structuralist feminism. She was also Jackie’s best friend.They had most of their shifts together and were pretty much the faces of the book store. While Bob was the owner, he snorted at the idea of doing what he called ‘front of house’, and preferred to deal with the business side of things as well as hosting any literary events they held. Nicky probed him on this, raising a perfectly arched brow in his direction.

“Okay, it’s like this. In my opinion, queer people are smarter than straight people and I _also think_ that women are just smarter than men.” Bob gestured towards Nicky and Jackie who were unpacking a delivery with bemused smiles on their faces as they listened to their boss. “It’s true! Which essentially makes lesbians the smartest people on the planet. That’s why you guys run it from the front, it just makes sense. If I ran that side of things? We’d have burnt to the ground by now.”

“Is this your way of sweet talking us into the shitty jobs? By saying we’re the smartest people on the planet?” Jackie shot back, bending down to pop some poetry collections onto the shelves.

“To be fair, it’s working.” Nicky drawled, working at a substantially slower rate than Jackie and knowing she would get away with it. 

“Look, I literally pay you _and_ I’ll always stop you from getting bangs if you ever consider it. I don’t need to sweet talk you.” Bob grinned and pointed at Jackie who was still on the ground surrounded by boxes. “You’re closing tonight?”

“Yup!” Jackie quipped, retying the laces of her boots and brushing down her jeans when she stood up again to bid him goodbye for the day (Jackie swore his exits were becoming earlier and earlier with every shift).

“He’s an asshole.” Nicky said as soon as the door closed, and Jackie swatted her arm but chuckled anyway. “I love him for it though.”

The French woman chuckled as she cranked the radio up like they always did when Bob left. They liked having control over the store and Bob was easy going with how they laid everything out; it felt more theirs than his but he never seemed to mind. As always, Nicky insisted that they listened to the Top 40 and gave a sensational rendition of _I Think We’re Alone Now_ by Tiffany. She sidled up to Jackie by the shelves and draped herself across the counter with the sultriest look she could muster, all the while Jackie just gave her a shove and told her to get back to work. 

“You’ll give into me one day, ma chérie.” Nicky teased with a smirk and slowly began to help again, taking a couple of boxes to the section adorned with queer zines. “It’s only a matter of time.”

“Oh, really? And what about the girl from Widow’s group?” Jackie clicked her tongue, knowing she’d hit a nerve with that one. 

Jackie could tell that Nicky had to refrain from throwing a book at her, settling on rolling her eyes so hard she might have sprained something. Widow came by every Thursday to run a Black Womens’ Group. Bob was happy for them to use the space for free as long as Jackie or Nicky stuck around to lock up at the end of the night. Nicky had treated the idea of staying late with disdain at first, unsurprisingly shoving the responsibility over to Jackie who didn’t really mind because the bookstore was her favourite place. She loved chatting to Widow while she set up, and then she could read whatever she wanted and put her feet up. It was pretty ideal as far as Jackie was concerned. 

There was one night Jackie had the flu. Like a martyr, she had spluttered her way through the day, much to Bob’s chagrin, who told her to go and rest up. Nicky covered for her that evening. Ever since then, she has taken every single Thursday night without question or complaint because of the girl with braids who wore black turtlenecks paired with a sleek leather jacket. 

“Her name is Jaida and she’s _so hot,_ Jackie.” Nicky groaned, dramatically pretending to fall against the wall closest to her. “She looks at me and I’m wet-”

“ _Nicky!”_ Jackie shushed her, looking exasperated but trying to fight her amusement. To be honest, when she was around Nicky, this was her almost constant state. “We’re still open! A customer could walk in.”

“So what? If they saw her, they would agree!” Nicky retorted insistently, never having any shame over the way she talked about sex. That was the same for everyone Jackie surrounded herself with really, and you’d think she’d be used to it by now.

When she had first started at the store, Nicky had dragged her into her little circle of queers and Jackie never left. They became a chosen family to her, waifs and strays who clung to each other when their families were no longer there to hold onto. When Jackie had first arrived, she had never been confident in disclosing her _proclivities_ despite fully exploring them during university. The group coaxed it out of her, gently and bit by bit, until she proclaimed it with the same pride that they did. They congregated in the space at the back of the store, cradling cups of coffee and oftentimes something stronger, laughing until one or two in the morning in the midst of dim lighting and jasmine candles. In complete honesty, the bookstore was like a safe house for all of them. The whispers of attacks were sometimes louder than the laughter that they shared, and every now and then someone needed cleaning up, but they had each other’s backs.

****

The rain was pounding hard against her lavender umbrella, but Jan found that she didn’t mind. The pathetic fallacy that had followed her during her time in London had become a comforting blanket of familiarity by this point, and she splashed her boots through puddles with a playful ferocity. She looked from Peppermint’s quick scrawl on the now crumpled up note and back up to the bookstore that was standing before her. _Category Is…_ was quaint, compact and very obviously gay. 

Jan took in the window display slowly and cautiously. She peeked around to see if anyone was watching her before she allowed her eyes to widen at the bold explosion full of colours and Pride flags. She wasn’t sure she’d ever seen anything so welcoming before in her life. Of course, it was nothing special or extravagant. It looked ordinary enough with its slightly faded lettering over the door, but there was something about the way that amber lighting drenched it that made Jan feel warm. 

Jan hadn’t come out to Peppermint, and yet clearly she knew. The way she had said _I just think you’ll appreciate it_ now translated to _I’m guessing you’re a lonely lesbian so here’s a gay bookshop._ Jan flushed and grinned to herself, chuckling despite it all, and feeling a stirring in her gut at the thought that stories of the love that she wanted could even fill an entire bookstore. 

She took down her umbrella, squealing as the rain began to hit her curls, making her rush through the door where the radio was playing quietly. It was a little too quiet underneath her squeaks, and she mouthed a _sorry!_ at the woman behind the desk as the door slammed behind her. She jumped at the sharp sound it made when it closed, cringing inwardly and looking at the woman apologetically once again. She didn’t seem to care though, she just smiled and looked like she was trying not to laugh from behind her round rimmed glasses.

The brown eyed woman was sitting on a stool behind the counter, reading, with a steaming hot cup of tea beside her. The shirt she wore was definitely not from the women’s section and had an obnoxious pattern, baggy at the top where it hung off one of her shoulders and cinched at the waist where it was tucked into her belted blue mom jeans. Jan wandered slowly inside, trying to disguise the fact she was looking at _her_ and not the books, finding herself fixated on the way her dark ringlets fell around her face and how her hands protectively cradled the book she was holding. Her nails were tidily kept and she wore a couple of silver rings to match the simple necklace that rested against her sternum. 

“Can I help you?” She sounded bemused, questioning, and Jan felt as though she’d been caught. Her gaze was strong and clear, causing Jan to finger the bottom of her crop top, feeling fidgety under her scrutiny. 

“Lesbian-” she blurted, immediately bringing her hand up to her mouth and giggling. _God, Jan, get it together._ “Fiction! Lesbian fiction. Please.”

The woman’s eyes seemed to brighten, wide with amusement and enthusiasm. She didn’t embarrass her though, but Jan was dying to know what she might have said in a situation where the customer wasn’t always right, because her own cheeks were burning and something about the sparkle in this woman’s eye said that she desperately wanted to comment on her Freudian slip.

“Lucky for you, that’s my specialty.” She merely said, popping her bookmark in between the pages of her novel and placing it down before gesturing for Jan to follow her. Something about her little quip made Jan’s eyes widen as she hoped this specialty extended to more than just literature. She worked in a queer bookstore, so _surely_ it did.

Jan followed close on her heels, taking in her surroundings as they reached the right set of shelves. She tried not to look too dopey as she watched the bookseller purse her lips in thought, skimming her fingertips over the spines of the books as she muttered authors’ names and titles to herself. 

“Try this.” She pulled one out, handing Jan a copy of _Oranges Are Not the Only Fruit_ by Jeanette Winterson. She flicked through the pages briefly while she listened. “It’s only a few years old and if religion isn’t too much of a sensitive topic for you then I’d say start there. Do you like poetry?”

“I love poetry! I do literature at UCL, I’m doing my final year over here.” Jan gushed as she chattered, eyes skating down to the woman’s cherry red Doc Marten boots that were scuffed at the toes. “I’m originally a Jersey girl.”

“So, we both crossed the Atlantic. Getting away from something?” Jackie quirked an eyebrow, wrinkling her nose as she searched the shelves once again.

“Something like that.” Jan made a non-committal sound, shrugging as she met her eye.

“I know I was...Ah! Here. Pat Parker. If you take anything from me today, make it this.” Another book was thrusted into Jan’s hands and she nodded eagerly, happily drinking up anything she was offered. 

“Thank you so much for this, I never realised that so many people were out here writing about this kind of thing. These books certainly aren’t on my reading lists.”

“Of course they aren’t.” 

Jan paid and watched as the woman slid the books into a small, pink bag, along with something else she couldn’t quite see. “I’m Jan, by the way. Just Jan.”

“My name is Jackie. It’s nice to meet you, ‘just Jan’.” She - _Jackie_ \- winked, and Jan could have sworn her legs could have given from under her. She knew this wouldn’t be the last time she came here, but inwardly chided herself for getting so carried away.

“I’ll be back to tell you what I think!” Jan beamed, nodding keenly as she took the bag and shook it playfully.

“I’ll be counting on it.”

****

By the time Jan left, the weather had taken that typical English turn of contrasting completely. The sun shone through the crisp air, breaking up the need to shiver with momentary bursts of welcome warmth. Jan practically skipped down the pavement when it struck her to look inside the bag Jackie had packed. 

As well as her books, there was a store branded bookmark, but that wasn’t the best part. The part that made her heart flip was the set of pin badges Jackie had snuck in for her, emblazoned with slogans like _out of the closet and into the street, encourage lesbianism_ and _dyke!_ in a soft baby pink.

Jan had learned Jackie’s name not even ten minutes ago, but it already tasted fizzy and exciting on her tongue. Just as Jan thought the sun didn’t exist in London, apparently it did.

  
  



	2. March

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one was a challenge with the dialogue and characters BUT I ended up pretty proud of it so I hope you like it! I've loved getting more into this little world and I hope you feel the same, I was taken aback by all the lovely comments on the first chapter! Also I'm getting way into my fantasy of Jan loving Madonna in this little au and it just feels like a redemption for the Madonna challenge...
> 
> As always, come chat to me on Tumblr at alittle-bitcloser. I promise I don't bite!

After Jan’s first visit to the store, she had gone back only a week later after devouring the two books that Jackie had given to her. She had pinned the badges to her backpack, proudly displaying them to anyone who walked behind her. It gave her a little thrill if she was honest. 

Before heading over there, Jan had spent time preening herself, slowly doing her hair and make up complete with a lilac scrunchie. She wanted to look good for Jackie. Jan would be lying if she said she hadn’t tested how the name felt in her mouth, and she liked how it popped on her tongue like adventure. Once she arrived, she grinned at the immediate sight of Jackie behind the counter and plonked her bag onto it with a thud.

“Thank you for the badges,” She breathed in lieu of a hello, her brown eyes bright and pleased to see Jackie smile back at her as she pointed out how they sat proudly against the pocket of her backpack.

“You’re welcome, Jan. I thought they would suit you, and I was right.” Jackie winked at her, and Jan really wished that she would stop doing that without warning. “Do you have time?”

“Time?” Jan blinked.

“Sit with me. I want to know what you thought of the books.” Jackie looked hopeful, and maybe even a little coy. _Oh fuck, look at her._

She didn’t have to ask Jan twice.

That first time turned into many times. Jan worked out Jackie’s shift patterns and knew exactly when she could catch her. At the start, they had strictly discussed the ins and outs of the literature that Jackie prised into Jan’s waiting hands. They worked through The Price of Salt and Rubyfruit Jungle, but slowly began to introduce themselves too. Their stories unfurled, storms rolling in while they spoke as evenings slowly turned dark. 

Jan left the bookshop feeling dizzy and dreamlike every night she spent there, always clutching a new book which promised that she would go back.

****

Jackie had been waiting ever so patiently for Nicky to comment on Jan’s presence in the store. She had seen her giggling with Bob, giggling with Crystal, and now Rock. Her high, dorky giggles would always come to an abrupt halt when Jackie entered the room with a judging quirk of the eyebrow. Nicky was vying for her attention, absolutely trying and failing to be mysterious.

They were whispering again.

“Go on. Say it to me, I want to hear it.” Jackie looked up at Nicky as she conspired with Rock in the corner of the back room, their smirks shameless.

“What time is Jan coming over to do her homework?” Nicky began, grinning with a cheeky glint in her eye, thrilled that Jackie had finally taken the bait.

“What?” Jackie was perplexed, her brow furrowed.

“You’re basically her tutor. Are you indulging a student and teacher kink?” Rock supplied loudly, standing and running her hands down her body in a completely vulgar and exaggerated way. “Oh, _Jan-”_

Nicky shrieked and fell into Rock as they laughed, grabbing hold of each other’s arms and shaking each other excitedly. Their laughter was most certainly loud enough to be heard down the street, and Jackie pursed her lips.

“Oh my- _God._ Jan is at university, she’s twenty one and I’m twenty five. It’s nothing crazy! And she doesn’t do homework, they’re _assignments_.” Jackie insisted, her voice heightening and cracking slightly as she protested and tightened her ponytail. “Anyway, we aren’t doing any of that-” She added with a wave of her hand, dismissing their comments, not wanting to add fuel to the fire. 

Truth be told, Jackie had definitely thought about it. About having Jan in that way. But she’d be damned if Nicky and Rock were knowing that. Jan was fresh-faced, bright and beautiful. Her positivity was infectious and Jackie eagerly drank it up everytime she came around, but it was never enough. As soon as she was gone, her craving returned like an addiction she couldn’t shake. The way she delicately held books as if they might break and then slammed them down when Jackie made her giggle only endeared Jackie more to her. She wanted to touch her so badly, but the closest they’d gotten was their hands brushing when Jackie handed her something new to read.

“You didn’t answer us about the kink, Jacqueline.” _Oh._ They were still here.

“Just make sure we’re not here when you bend her over the-“ At this point, Rock was bouncing around as she laughed. Sticking her tongue out, she pulled Nicky to her so that she could bend her over. Suddenly, Jackie longed for the more calming presence of Sasha who would gently prompt her to talk about Jan in her own gentle but hypnotising way. 

“ _Rock.”_ Jackie cringed, crinkling her eyes shut and shaking her head with tense shoulders.

“That’s your teacher's voice, right? Hot.” Nicky stood up straight again, clacking her teeth and pretending to bite in Jackie’s direction.

“Mmm, can I book a session with Miss Cox?” Rock had ran up to where Jackie was sitting in order to perch behind her and say this into her ear, sniggering before pressing a kiss to her cheek. This was Rock’s way of saying the joke’s over.

“You two are insufferable.” Jackie quipped, but momentarily leant her head against Rock’s anyway. 

“Seriously though. Are these little book club meetings dates?” Nicky sat opposite her, cocking her head to the side. Her voice took a more affectionate turn and Jackie held back the comment that she should have _started_ by asking like this. 

“No. I don’t know. I don’t think so?”

 _"Merde_ , Jacqueline. You really are a useless dyke, do you know that?” Nicky sighed as she sat back, kicking Rock as she passed her by with a snort of laughter at Nicky’s comment.

“I’m all too aware.” Jackie sunk into her seat and tipped her head back, closing her eyes and wondering what she would do when she had recommended all of her favourite books to Jan. She needed more reasons to see her.

****

Spring was beginning to show her face through the way bright pink blossoms appeared on the trees and bare branches disappeared into the new freshness that lay readily in the air. As London got warmer and warmer, Jan got closer and closer to Jackie. Jan’s confidence around her was blooming like the flowers and, in Jackie’s company, she was safely and happily able to be herself. It was fitting, she thought, that the sun should show its face more now that she was spending so much time with Jackie. After all, she’d helped bring life into this city for Jan. 

Jan’s visits would always be met with a snack (usually chocolate) and an open smile, ready to hear her thoughts. Jackie was never brash, but her manner was passionate and firm. Some might even say bossy. She gently coaxed threads of thought from Jan, tying them neatly in compact little bows in a way that Jan could never articulate. Jan also enjoyed the store itself, her face a staple around there by now. Nicky made her giggle and Bob even more so. The first time he spotted Jan behind the counter, he raised an eyebrow.

“Jacqueline, don’t tell me now I’ve also got to pay your girlfriend.”

“We aren’t-” / “I think you’ve got the wrong idea-“ 

Both Jackie and Jan had vehemently protested, laughing awkwardly and avoiding any form of eye contact with one another. Bob just smirked.

“ _Right._ Yeah, I don’t wanna know.” Bob dismissed them with a wave, looking back down to his clipboard with a brisk shake of his head.

Unsurprisingly, Jan had started to see London in a new light completely. She practically skipped to her lectures, became fiercer and more confident in her answers, safe in the knowledge that she had more of a life taking shape outside of university. She didn’t scoff at tourists anymore, instead smiling when they appreciated the architecture of the city. She only found herself getting _mildly_ irritated when they stopped in the middle of the pavement.

St. Paul’s stood tall over the Thames across the way and Jan closed her eyes against the breeze that tickled her cheeks. It wasn’t exactly the Jersey Shore, but it had the desired effect. Water was always her escape when she needed to think, and while the Thames was grey and murky, it didn’t take anything away from her ability to enjoy the drenched air that filled her lungs.

Jan would be the first to admit that her infatuation with Jackie could be a little far-fetched, and she fiddled with the edges of the pages of the book lying comfortably in her lap. Jackie was older, more experienced, and sometimes Jan felt like she was running to keep up with her; even as she worried though, Jan knew that she would never change to try and fit with Jackie. Jan loved being herself far too much to do that.This time, Jackie had given her a collection of poems by Mary Oliver. Jan had started them laying in her bed, but needed space to take in the words, which was what brought her across the city to sit on a bench by the river.

“Fuck, Mary. You got me there.” She murmured as she turned the page delicately, reading the verses and pursing her lips.

 _I don’t want eventual,_ _  
__I want soon._

She skimmed her nails over the words as she read, the black text against the white background staring starkly back at her. Glaring at her. She wondered if it was too much to yell at Jackie for giving her literature that made her feel so very exposed, that reached into her chest and torturously squeezed. The bench she was sitting on suddenly felt impossibly big for just her.

 _Softly my right hand fondles my left hand_ _  
__as though it were you._

Jan slumped back against the wooden bench with a groan. She let her head loll back lazily and muttered an _ow,_ clutching the back of it when it banged against the wood. Jan knew she was a goner.

****

When Jan turned up later than usual on a day when she was due at lunchtime, Jackie’s eyes widened with the realisation that she couldn’t get away with hiding her away from her friends any longer. It was closing time, and the girls had congregated in the back as per usual on a Friday. Jackie’s chest had felt more and more vacant as the day had gone on and Jan hadn’t appeared, only to be immediately restored again at the sight of her rapping on the locked door with an apologetic pout.

Even though she’d never admit it, over the past few weeks, Jackie had loved keeping Jan all to herself. Jackie felt protective over her and their little world was one of the safest she had ever been in. Jan wasn’t a secret by any means, and the girls knew all about their little meetings. Jackie came into the tiny kitchenette in the back while Shea was making tea one day after a meeting with Bob. Shea had smirked gently, asking Jackie if she needed two mugs and Jackie offered a tentative nod and a coy smile in return. Aside from that, the only member of her little family Jan had met was Nicky, who had surprisingly been on her best behaviour aside from her slightly irritating need to constantly make Jan laugh (she only did this to boast that Jan found her funnier). 

“I had a deadline so couldn’t come earlier but I got you something to say sorry for being so late. Your taste in chocolate is boring, but I remembered that this is your favourite.” Jan cheekily remarked as she handed it over.

Jan beamed as she gave Jackie the Cadbury’s Dairy Milk bar. They’d entered a fierce debate about the British candy they’d encountered, and Jan seemed horrified that Jackie kept her tastes nice and simple. 

“It’s not boring, Jannifer, it’s _classic_.” Jackie poked her playfully (she’d be lying if she said she hadn’t been hazarding a few more casual touches recently), trying to ignore the soft, musical laughter in the back room so that Jan could remain simply hers for just a few more minutes. “What did you get?”

“Curly Wurly.” Jan chirped, holding up the sickeningly sweet and chewy bar that made Jackie’s teeth hurt just thinking about it.

“That’s gonna rot your teeth.”

“Are you my mother, Jacqueline?” Jan scoffed, her expression challenging as she bit into her chocolate bar and pulled on the strings of toffee with her teeth a little more dramatically than she needed to. 

“If that’s what you’re into, she absolutely could be-” Jackie might have stepped closer to Jan with her own witty response if Rock’s brash voice hadn’t broken through their conversation. It was like nails on a blackboard to Jackie, who dearly loved her friend, but wasn’t ready for her to scare Jan off.

Jan giggled nervously and flushed a deep crimson, clumsily trying to save the bits of toffee that had gotten stuck to her lips with embarrassment. Jackie swatted Rock on the arm, gritting her teeth with a forced smile that said _be nice._

“I’m Rock, and _you_ must be the famous Jan,” Rock stated, basically bounding towards the unsuspecting blonde with an intense focus, and pulling her by the arm towards the back. Jackie reached out for Jan’s other wrist and impulsively grabbed it, causing Jan’s eyes to widen in surprise as she looked back around to her. It then occurred to Jackie that she had no idea what she was going to say.

“Wait- Do you remember the group I mentioned?” Her voice was gentle but self-assured even as she fumbled for words. “Do you want to meet them?”

“Of course I do.” Jan smiled at her, eyes darting between their hands and back up to Jackie’s face. 

Much to Rock’s excitement, Jan gestured encouragingly towards the back room with a tilt of her head before being hauled inside. Jackie took a small breath and followed them, the sights of Sasha and Shea looking quietly pleased to see Jan easing her queasy stomach right away. 

“Janice!” Nicky screeched upon seeing her face, bouncing up from her chair. “Would you like a beer?”

“I have red wine, if you’d prefer that.” Shea interjected, holding a bottle up towards Jan who gave her a friendly grin but said that beer was fine.

“Jan? You mean _that Jan?”_ Crystal piped up from where she was sprawled out on one of the armchairs, arms and legs pointing every which way as if sitting in a chair properly was something unknown to her. Jan was taking everyone in with a fond grin, biting her lip with wide eyes, and Jackie watched her carefully. “Sorry, last night I got _very stoned_ . Like, of course you’re that Jan _._ I’m Crystal.”

“Aren’t you very stoned right now?” Sasha raised an eyebrow, smirking.

“Yeah. Good point.”

“I’ve heard so much about you guys,” Jan gushed, perching herself on the arm of the small, beat-up sofa closest to Jackie. “Jackie says you’re like a family.”

“Well, when you don’t have your own, sometimes you’ve got to make one.” Shea offered, gesturing to the girls around her with her wine glass.

“Survival, baby.” Sasha clinked her glass with Shea’s, and Jackie watched as Jan’s mind whirred to make all of the connections in her head.

“Your initiation into the club is to share your trauma.” Rock snickered and Nicky shoved at her, rolling her eyes.

“Don’t listen to this stupid bitch, you’re in the club already.” Nicky drawled, taking a large gulp of her beer, condensation running down the side of the glass. 

“Shut the fuck up, Marie Antoinette”

“Let them eat puss-”

“Are you two absolutely determined to terrify Jan?” Sasha took the words out of Jackie’s mouth before looking up at her with a piercing gaze. “You’ve gone all quiet. Cat got your tongue?”

“She’s too busy staring at Jan to see if she’s gonna dump her after this,” Rock winked at Jan, and Jackie flipped her the bird without a word.

“Is this your equivalent to meeting the parents?” Jan turned to grin at Jackie, and the ease in her face dispelled any of her present anxieties. 

“Yeah, actually, I suppose it is.” She didn’t allow herself to deep dive into the connotations of meeting the parents, about how that was a very _coupley_ thing for Jan to reference. To busy her hands, Jackie went to pour herself some of Shea’s wine. There were no glasses left, so she settled for a mug.

They chatted into the night, and eventually Jackie felt herself ease into the joint company of Jan and her friends. They were a little mismatched and had to find their groove, but Jan was like a chameleon who could place herself into any situation, a skill that Jackie envied greatly. Within the hour, she had ended up squeezing into the corner of the sofa with Jan pressed against her side. She told herself it was purely for the sake of comfort and space when she put her arm around her, but smiled to herself when Jan seemed content to burrow into her side cosily. She exuded warmth in every way. 

Jan seemed enthralled in what Sasha and Shea were telling her about their joint venture on a queer zine Bob was due to stock in the store, nodding animatedly as they spoke. Jackie took the moment to appreciate the way subtle freckles decorated Jan’s nose underneath her foundation.

“Crystal, you’re no longer the new kid.” Rock quipped with a grin and Nicky raised her glass to that.

“About time you dykes took another poor little orphan in.” Crystal teased, grinning cheekily before looking at Jan. “These girls took care of me when things at home got a little crazy, I was couch surfing with them up until now.” She explained, playing absent-mindedly with the curls that fell over her forehead. 

Jackie watched Crystal tenderly as she spoke to Jan, and if she had looked around, she would realise that the others were mirroring her expression. She remembered the night Crystal had sniffled her way to Jackie’s buzzer at the bottom of her building. Jackie had let her into her little studio flat, hugging her tight and tucking her up in bed without a question about what happened. She didn’t have to ask.

As time went on, the girls began to trickle out, sharing tight hugs before they left and always sparing one for Jan who looked thrilled to receive each and every one of them. Jackie had the keys to lock up, and started to blow out the candles when she and Jan were left alone.

“Jackie, I love them.”

“Yeah?”

“I didn’t know this kind of thing existed.” Jan started, seeming to be bursting with something inside of her but struggling to pick out her words. “You guys just exist together and take care of eachother, your life is centred around women, I didn’t…”

Jackie’s brow furrowed empathetically and she blew out the final candle as she listened. She watched as Jan pulled on her jacket and approached her with a gentle look. Jan had been pulled out of what Jackie knew was a religious environment, albeit full of love, but she clearly hadn’t been given the chance to consider any alternative means to life that weren’t the traditional ideals. Jackie had felt the same kind of wonder when she first arrived, when Nicky had pulled her into this family.

“You exist with us and we’ll take care of you. Got it?” Jackie placed her hands on Jan’s shoulders, giving them a small squeeze. The silence stirred around them as Jackie made out Jan’s bright smile in the dim lighting of the shop.

“Got it.” Jan’s voice wasn’t much louder than a whisper, and without warning, she pulled Jackie into an unyielding hug. Jackie let out a small _oh_ of surprise, but held her just as tight. It was silent for a moment until Jan’s voice broke through from where her head rested on Jackie’s shoulder. “I don’t want to go home yet.”

Jackie’s heart took a small leap into her throat, barely giving her mind the time to consider before she blurted out her next words.

“Would you like to come home with me? I have a record player, a pretty big collection of music, some drinks…” She trailed off, a little self conscious about opening herself up like this and bringing Jan into her space. But, she figured that the bookstore was home enough and this wasn’t that huge of a leap. After all, Jan had met her family now. The idea of boundary leaping faded in importance when compared to the fact that Jackie didn’t want to go home either. The thought was only appealing if Jan came with her.

“I’d love to.” Jan interrupted her thoughts as Jackie reluctantly pulled back from their embrace. She watched as Jan momentarily bounced up and down a little on the balls of her feet with excitement before grabbing her backpack. “Lead the way.”

Jackie locked up the store and triple-checked that she had done everything before they could leave. Jan insisted on linking arms with her as they walked to the tube station together. They chatted easily under the artificial lights of the train, and Jan’s laugh echoed around the carriage to the annoyance of some, but that just made Jackie want to hear it more. She pried it from her again and again.

“Did you sew that ‘J’ onto your shirt?” Jackie probed, reaching over to move the lapel of Jan’s jacket so she could see the off-the-shoulder crop top that sat underneath.

“Yeah, like Madonna.” Jan replied, as though it was obvious. Her expression screamed _duh._ “I saw her with a little ‘M’ once and made my own!”

“You’re ridiculous, do you know that?”

“Well, yeah, but the real question is do you want a ‘J’ for Jackie?” Mischief glinted in Jan’s eyes and she leaned into Jackie’s side.

“Yeah, I think I’ll pass.”

Jackie led Jan out of the station and down the pavement, passing the expected drunk Friday night groups clambering down the side of the road. They were painfully sober in comparison but you’d never know it from the way Jan’s voice got both higher and louder whenever she told a story or the way she threw her head back in hilarity with a cackle. It came from her throat and was completely uninhibited.

“Home sweet home.” Jackie announced as she led Jan into the small studio flat, clicking on the lamp in the corner so the room could be bathed in amber. Incense lingered from where she had it lit last night and every night before that. She wrinkled her nose to try and remember what drinks she had in her fridge and cupboards. “Is Malibu and coke good for you?”

“Sure!”

Jackie dumped her bag down and crouched to untie her boots, noticing that Jan hadn’t hesitated to make herself at home. Jan’s sneakers lay at the door already, covered in her denim jacket, and she was already busy looking through Jackie’s vinyl collection. Jackie was bemused at how easy she found it to be so shamelessly nosy.

Jackie's studio wasn’t much, but it did the job. It had a small kitchenette in the corner that was more than enough for cooking. Jackie stuck tall candles into a couple of wine bottles and had a few hand painted signs propped up against the wall from Pride the year before. She had set up her bed and sofa so that they felt as separate as possible, and her pride and joy lay in the form of her bookcase that was adorned with all of her favourites and special editions. Jackie poured them a drink each and lit some incense, watching as Jan picked an album. She hummed in approval when Jan picked the _Heaven on Earth_ album by Belinda Carlisle and set the needle against the record.

“Good choice. We’re having Bowie next.” Jackie told her, sitting on the couch and watching as Jan took her place beside her.

“So.” Jan began, playing with the ends of her hair as she spoke. “Nicky and Rock. Are they…?”

“They have sex, if that’s what you’re asking.” Jackie replied, making a face at how strong she had made their drinks after her first gulp.

“Just sex? And that works for them?” 

“They’re beyond crazy and apparently that means the sex is great. Anything that requires any amount of communication would be pretty much disastrous for them.” Jackie went on to explain, remembering the way she had cringed when Rock and Nicky first fell into bed together. She worried it would rip the heart of their family into bitter break-up style shreds with dyke drama. To her relief, they were much smarter than Jackie gave them credit for.

Jan fit into Jackie’s space like the clouds fit into the sky. She drifted in, and immediately took up space as if it belonged to her, and Jackie would willingly say it did. She didn’t share her space with people easily, making it a rare feat for her to bring someone home. If the vines of her parents’ home suffocated her, this flat let Jackie _breathe._ Jan didn’t grow like vines around her neck, instead, she blossomed and bloomed within the cavity of Jackie’s chest. Like a flower in Spring, she opened up to Jackie easily, and in turn, Jackie returned the favour.

Jackie listened attentively when Jan talked about New Jersey, about her time at catholic school, about how isolated she felt. Jackie, ever entranced by this softer side to someone so brash, might have even taken her hand for a brief moment. When Jan listened to Jackie talk about her own perspectives and experiences, she was observant and attentive in a way Jackie rarely saw in people. Jan could be loud, brazen and chatty but she _never_ spoke over you. Jan only encouraged, agreed and fought your corner with ad libs like _for sure_ and _one hundred percent_ , all accentuated with supportive nods. It was refreshing, and Jackie had never felt so heard in her life.

****

Jan was well and truly drunk. Pissed. Sloshed. Every variation of the word. She had taken over the responsibility of pouring their drinks and her measures were more than generous. She wasn’t even sure when it had reached the early hours of the morning. Fuck, they’d finished the Malibu. Jan whined and pouted, holding up the bottle.

“Jackieeee…”

Jackie laughed at her from where she remained on the sofa, looking flushed but seeming to be able to handle her alcohol better than Jan could. Jan gave her a toothy grin, tilting her head and swaying slightly.

“Do you have anything else?” She said after a beat, waving the bottle in Jackie’s direction.

“There might be a beer in the fridge, but you’re sharing if that’s all I’ve got.”

“Yes, ma’am-” Jan’s dorky response earned a snort from Jackie who wandered over to the record player to change it. They had worked through David Bowie, Blondie, and now Queen. It was Jan’s turn to pick but Jackie knew what to look for as she pulled out Madonna’s _Like a Virgin_ album.

The introduction to _Material Girl_ earned a thrilled squeal from Jan who nearly spat out her first sip of beer, bounding over to Jackie and holding the bottle up to her mouth so that she could take her drink. Jan fed her the sip clumsily, and Jackie held her gaze as she humoured her, wiping away the drips from her chin with the back of her hand. 

“I remembered that you said this album was your favourite.”

“Jacks, this album changed my life. Swear to god.”

“You’re a drama queen.”

Jan giggled, determined to prove her right as she sang along and danced in the small space they had. Jackie opened the window for some air, and leaned against it as she watched her, eyes following Jan’s movements. 

“Dance with me!”

“Absolutely not, dancing is not my thing.” Jackie shook her head and wagged her finger at Jan who was sticking her bottom lip out playfully.

“Oh, you’re no fun.” She teased, but allowed Jackie to plonk herself back down on the sofa. Jan gave her the beer so that she could take another drink and took the opportunity to let her eyes wander to where her shirt hung off her shoulder and exposed her collarbone. She wet her bottom lip when her eyes reached the spot where Jackie’s jaw met her neck. Her skin looked soft. Jan wanted her, and she’d never been more sure of anything.

“ _Jan?”_ Jackie sounded as though this wasn’t the first time she’d said her name, and Jan feigned obliviousness to the fact when she hummed in response.

“I said it’s too late for you to head home. You can stay here if you like.” This set Jan’s mind in action, and she nodded, smirking to herself.

Jan knew this album like the back of her hand and she hoped that Jackie wouldn’t get up anytime soon before the next song started to play. She swayed on the spot, twirling around and giggling softly when she lost her balance. Jan was staying over at Jackie’s, and if she wasn’t drunk already, that thought alone could have intoxicated her. 

“Easy...” Jackie warned and looked as though she was ready to spring up into action in case Jan fell, but she remained in her seat nonetheless. 

Jan enjoyed the feeling of Jackie’s eyes on her, and the sensation of her gaze was dizzying. When _Like a Virgin_ started, Jan wanted Jackie to think that she was dancing like nobody was watching, but more accurately, she was dancing exactly like Jackie was watching. Even though she was drunk, Jan knew she could dance, swinging her hips and batting her eyes playfully as she sang along. Her vision was a little bleary, but if she was right and Jackie was biting her lip as she watched, she felt beyond satisfied.

Encouraged by the alcohol, she stalked over to Jackie as she sang along to the chorus. Sober Jan would be cringing, trying to stop her, saying _no this is not the way to do it,_ but drunken Jan was already climbing into Jackie’s lap and straddling her. She took the beer and swigged it as she moved her hips, noticing that Jackie had taken ahold of her thighs. She wondered if Jackie could feel the heat from between her legs, using the Dutch courage to grind against her ever so slightly. Jackie looked extremely flushed and taken aback, and Jan revelled in it. 

She sang the lyrics quietly with her eyes closed, arms moving above her head as she swayed. Her movements weren’t quite as coordinated as they would be if she was sober, weren’t as sexy as she wanted them to be, and she began to giggle. To her relief, when she opened her eyes, Jackie was chuckling with her but her pupils were blown and she looked at her with wonder, as though Jan could vanish at any moment. As if to prove that she was there, Jan moved closer so that their noses almost touched.

“Why do you cover your freckles with make up?” Jackie broke the spell when she blurted this out, and Jan blinked in utter surprise. It was sobering, and Jan realised where she was sat.

“Oh, um...I don’t mean to _cover_ them. They come out more in the sun. London isn’t exactly tanning weather.”

Jackie touched her nose against Jan’s, where her freckles were, and Jan inhaled sharply as she let her eyes flutter closed. Jan had been brave enough to get here, and she desperately wanted Jackie to be brave too. When no more touches came, she held back a mewl of disappointment and opened them again. 

“I like them.” Jackie offered simply, and Jan narrowed her eyes at her. In her hazy mind, she felt as though she was reprimanding her without words, asking her why she couldn’t have had the courage to close the gap between them. Jan would never be sure if it came across and Jackie chose to ignore it, or if she just looked confused and a little silly. 

After a few moments of silence, soft simpers enveloped them warmly, filling the small space. Jan was too inebriated to know what they were laughing at, simply focussing on the overwhelming sensation of Jackie playing with her hair. 

It was that exact motion that sent her to sleep in Jackie’s arms.


	3. April

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! Thanks for everyone's continued love for this fic, it's a very self indulgent idea that I couldn't help exploring and it warms my lil heart when others love it too.
> 
> It seems fitting that our wonderful reigning queen Shea Coulee has a few more moments in this chapter, we are BLESSED to be under her and Jaida's reign! As always, never hesitate to come chat on tumblr at alittle-bitcloser!
> 
> TW: d slur!

Crystal was pacing back and forth as she spoke, ranting on and on at Jackie about the importance of them going to a nightclub for her birthday. Jackie just wanted to eat food, drink wine out of mugs with her friends, and spend time with Jan like a normal week. None of her lowkey birthday wishes involved the words _night_ or _club._ Jackie hadn’t even told Jan about her birthday. Something just didn’t sit right about it with her and she didn’t want to draw too much attention to it. It was the one time of the year that she felt compelled to call home using Bob’s landline. He’d watch her lie about her life with a sympathetic look on his face and then quietly whistle when she got off the phone with an, "Oh, Miss Jacqueline".

“This is the one time of the year you’re not supposed to be Little Miss Bed-By-Ten.” Crystal complained, lifting herself up to sit on the counter. Jackie didn’t bother to tell her not to, knowing it would be ignored. “And anyway, don’t be so selfish.”

“Selfish?” Jackie quirked an eyebrow. 

“Your girl Jan still hasn’t been to a gay club. Do it for her.” Crystal dragged out the length of her words in a voice that was high and exasperated. She absolutely couldn’t get her head around Jackie’s aversion to getting absolutely fucked up at the club. 

This comment made Jackie stop for a moment, and she sighed, conceding ever so slightly. The thought of Jan getting all dressed up and drinking with her was incredibly tempting. Ever since that night at her apartment, Jackie’s mind wouldn’t allow her to rest without thinking of the way Jan’s hips moved to _Like a Virgin_ or the way her thighs had settled around her hips when she’d straddled her. She spaced out during particularly quiet moments during her shifts, feeling starved for the way Jan sang the lyrics, _touched for the very first time,_ directed right at her. Despite the fact Jan had willingly plonked herself into Jackie’s lap and practically given her a show, Jackie was ever the lady, and had tucked Jan into her double bed before taking the sofa for the night. 

“And I _bet_ that Jan will wear a teeny tiny little skirt. Do you really wanna miss that?”

“Fine.” Jackie bit back, fighting the smile that threatened to grace her lips. “We can go out for my birthday. Plan it and I’ll be there.”

Crystal squealed in excitement and blew Jackie a kiss.

That night, Jackie put on a Prince album and lit a couple of her candles, as was her usual post-shower routine. The wax dripped down the side of the empty red wine bottles until it pooled in white, solidifying splashes against the window sill. She had changed into an oversized t-shirt after washing the day away, sparing herself the hassle of underwear as she flopped back onto the soft pillows of her patchwork bedspread. Jackie's eyes scanned the empty room she called home, and she couldn’t help looking over to the spot on the sofa where Jan had settled in her lap. Jan had been drunk and Jackie couldn’t separate that from her actions, but the way she had ground her hips down against her thighs had Jackie’s mind _reeling._ The memory of it was wreaking havoc in her mind and wouldn’t leave her alone. From their chats, Jackie knew that Jan’s sexual experiences hadn’t gone further than some fumbles and fingering in the dark, and the thought that Jackie could be the one to truly show her what she had been missing made her ache, made her heat up.

For Jackie, shedding the shame of her desire was like outgrowing a second skin that had established itself during her childhood. It was a gradual process that started during her college days when she first felt a girl lick into her mouth and slide her hand into the waistband of her jeans. Or maybe it started before that, when she would lock her bedroom door in her family home and quietly touch herself, realising that she was never imagining a man in between her legs. Jackie had tried to push it away, really attempted to imagine that a man was fucking her, but it always ended with her wondering how it would feel to grab hold of soft, long hair as she was eaten out. The guilt that would follow these times was overwhelming, debilitating for the days that followed. London was where she had ripped off the last shreds of her shame, although it crept up on her every now and then from where it lay dormant at the pit of her stomach. 

Jackie let out a shuddery breath, closing her eyes and finally allowing herself to wonder how things might have gone if she’d travelled higher up Jan’s thighs with her touches. What if she had kissed her instead of tucking her lovingly into bed? Her fingers flexed at the muscle memory of Jan’s strong thighs underneath her hands, the way they’d bracketed her sides, the way they could bracket her head if she had the chance. The thought didn’t take her by surprise as they’d been creeping up on her more and more, but this was the first time the notion had pushed her hands towards her own body, palming at her breasts underneath her t-shirt. 

Jackie replayed the images of Jan dancing in her mind, remembering the way she moved, the way she gyrated her hips and _surely_ that translated amazingly into the bedroom. She breathed Jan’s name as she rubbed rhythmic circles against her clit, eyes closed in order to imagine the blonde hovering over her, her brown eyes dark with wanting. She was taken aback by how wet the thought made her, how it dripped onto the cotton of her sheets and glistened on the skin of her fingers and palm.

Jackie could no longer hear the way the music married with passing sirens outside, instead she was thinking about what Jan might sound like spread out underneath her, the way she might whine and pant as Jackie promised that she would take care of her. She dipped her fingers lower in between her folds to where she ached for them, and with a sharp intake of breath considered the way Jan would react at the feeling of Jackie’s fingers curling up inside of her. She could imagine that her own warmth was how Jan would feel around her, but she knew it would be so much better.

She came with two fingers inside herself, and drowned out the music with her unrestrained whimpers of _Jan, yes, Jan._ When Jackie opened her eyes again, she watched the candles flicker as she gradually caught her breath. She wiped her fingers on the duvet before burying her face into the pillow, groaning weakly.

Jackie’s groan wasn’t out of embarrassment for touching herself over Jan, however, it was about how absolutely starved she was for her touch. Jackie resolutely refused to let shame take that from her.

****

Jan finished packing the shiny paper bag with a small grin, and sang to herself gently as she did. It was Jackie’s birthday and there was a pang in Jan’s chest that needed to make sure she felt appreciated. 

A few days earlier, Shea had caught her browsing the shelves of _Category Is…,_ waiting for Jackie to finish up in a meeting with Bob. Jan jumped in surprise when she was pulled hastily into the back room where Shea immediately began talking discreetly, almost conspiratorially.

“Okay. She’d never say anything because she doesn’t want you to get her anything, but Jackie’s birthday is on Thursday.”

Realisation suddenly slapped Jan in the face and her eyes widened comically. Jan loved birthdays. Jan loved to appreciate people, sing their name loudly and dress up all in the name of one person growing a year older. She was lucky to have parents who had repeatedly spoiled her year after year, and her naturally giving nature meant that she was compelled to grant the same treatment to others. So, when the one person Jan wanted to spoil had kept her birthday to herself, she couldn’t help but feel a little peeved. 

“ _Oh-_ the club! It’s her birthday night out this weekend, isn’t it?” Jan replied in hushed tones, huffing dramatically at the fact Jackie had neglected to tell her. Crystal hadn’t specified that the trip to a gay club was for Jackie’s birthday and was probably under strict instructions not to. Jan liked to be prepared, and only having three days until Thursday was absolutely _not it_ for her preference to over-achieve in everything she did. That included gift giving. 

“Girl, exactly.” Shea seemed pleased that Jan had caught on so quickly before she spoke again, accentuating her point by jabbing her softly in the sternum with her index finger. “Don’t get pissed with her for not telling you. Jackie’s weird about this kind of thing. She never wants to ‘put anyone out’.” Shea did air quotes and rolled her eyes with a sigh.

Jan hummed and nodded, quickly looking around to check that Jackie hadn’t left Bob’s office yet. Jackie would do anything for anyone but _of course_ she didn’t want a fuss being made over her. She didn’t owe Jan anything, least of all telling her about her birthday, but since that night at Jackie’s place there had been something different between them that couldn’t be undone. There was a constant tension that was becoming tighter by the day, pulling them closer. If Jackie could feel it too, she should know that Jan would want to celebrate her.

“Trust me, it pisses me off too.” Shea offered with an empathetic smile before her head snapped round at a small noise. She abruptly pushed Jan out of the door back to where she had been browsing. Within the second, Jackie was leaving Bob’s office in the corner and Shea was shooting Jan a smooth wink. 

Jan didn’t have a heap of money, but made the best of what she had. She was incredibly lucky that her scholarship covered her studies and was as frugal as she could manage with the money her parents sent her. Said money was definitely supposed to be for food and necessities, but here Jan was buying fancy pens and plain bookmarks (plenty of them too, just in case she made any mistakes) to make Jackie a birthday present. If you asked Jan, gift giving should always be personal. She concentrated hard with her tongue ever so slightly sticking out of her mouth - a habit she’d had since being a child - and after a few tries, successfully created a set of bookmarks that delicately read _listen to lesbians, dykes do it better_ and the opening line from one of the Pat Parker poems Jackie had given to her when they met: _my lover is a woman._

Jan had fretted for hours over what poem to use, trawling through Mary Oliver and Audre Lorde before she settled on the more general but equally beautiful line from Pat Parker. Every other quotation that felt right also felt extremely exposing, and would immediately show Jan’s hand. She wanted to have the guts to write Audre Lorde’s _my body / writes into your flesh / the poem / you make of me._ But the thought of flesh and poetry being inexplicably tied together with the way they met seemed romantic enough to make Jan feel nauseous with the idea of taking that particular plunge. 

For a change, instead of heading straight to the store before her afternoon classes, Jan had told Jackie to meet her at Russell Square Gardens for her lunch hour. The April showers seemed to be taking a break and Jan was determined to take advantage of it, wanting to pull Jackie from the dimly lit back room for a moment. She sat on a bench as she waited, mustering up her best unimpressed expression as soon as she spotted Jackie approaching.

“Jacqueline Cox, you’re an asshole.” 

“What?”

“It’s your birthday and you didn’t tell me.”

“Oh. That.”

“Yup!” Jan made the word pop, raising an eyebrow at Jackie and waiting expectantly for her reasoning. “Well?”

Jackie eyed her for a moment before she conceded, pursing her lips. Jan watched the way her shoulders tensed as she carefully considered her words, noticing how some delicate dandelion seeds had flown in the wind and gotten caught in her dark curls.

“Birthdays are the time of year you _have_ to speak to your family. It’s only fair, right?” Jackie began almost warily. “I love my family, but they don’t know the half of it. Of - ” she gestured to Jan and then the space around them. “- my life.”

“Do they know you’re gay?”

“They found some pretty incriminating literature in my underwear drawer once.” Jackie huffed with a smirk. “But we never talked about it. If it’s put away then it doesn’t exist. That might as well be our family motto.”

“Is it, like, a religious thing?” Jan tethered onto the one thing that she could understand. She loved her parents fiercely and had no doubt that they loved her, but her Catholic upbringing weighed her down with guilt when she considered sharing certain parts of herself with her family.

“No, it’s more of a cultural thing.” Jackie shook her head as she explained. “My mother had a whole plan - her only daughter would have a well paid job, a husband, and probably a kid by now. She kinda rules the roost at home. I love my life but she wouldn’t be happy with it. It’s easier to let her believe that I’m in publishing rather than a cashier at a bookshop - not to mention a _gay_ bookshop. She has this perfect little office picture painted in her head and thinks I’m dating to find a husband. If that makes her happy then I won’t take that from her.”

Jan’s mouth hung open, and Jackie leant over to close it with her index finger. 

“She thinks you’re _dating to find a husband?”_ Jan screeched without any consideration for those sat around them eating their hastily packed lunches al fresco, and Jackie shushed her softly. 

“You know I’m right here, Jan, you don’t need to shout.” Jackie jabbed at her, and Jan noticed how her playful mocking was consistently prevalent in moments of vulnerability. Jan merely shrugged, and Jackie averted her eyes when she realised she wasn’t about to get the usual pouty response from the blonde that would have led them down other avenues.

“Answer my question, stop skirting around it.” She sang triumphantly, impassioned in her endeavour to not let Jackie sweep this subject under the rug.

“Fine, I’ll bite. Yes, my mom is happy to think I’m dating, but I told my dad that I’m just not interested which is at least a little closer to the truth. If he’s read between the lines, he’s never mentioned it.” Jackie elaborated, looking down and fiddling with a loose thread on the fabric of her jeans. “It’s easier that way, and the ocean helps too. So, no, birthdays are not my favourite.”

Jan silently commended herself for getting Jackie to slowly but surely open up to her. Sometimes it felt like Jan had happily laid everything on the table, ready for the taking, while Jackie continued to hold her cards cautiously close to her chest. Jan was prepared to meaningfully pluck each card from her waiting hands and lay them all face up. Knowing that was as far as she was going to get for the day, Jan acquiesced and decided it was time to focus on what was really important.

“Would you like your gift?”

“You got me something? _Jan_.” Jackie chastised her, tutting and taking a breath, but was interrupted before she could continue.

“Just! Stop! Look inside.” Jan’s voice was shrill and excited as she handed her the small paper bag. “It’s not much but I _know_ you’ll like it. I’m the best at gifts.”

Jan watched as Jackie pulled out the bookmarks, and desperately wished she could have recorded the moment she saw Jackie’s eyes brighten in pleasant surprise so that she could relive it again and again.

“Did you make these?” Jackie asked, carefully smoothing her fingers over the loopy handwriting Jan had so painstakingly practiced and applied. 

“I knew you’d be mad if I bought you anything and I wanted you to have something you’d actually use.” Jan said proudly, eyes fixed on Jackie’s face as she beamed and pushed her glasses back up the bridge of her nose. 

“I _love_ them.” Jackie immediately took her most recent read from her tote bag, making a show of waving the _listen to lesbians_ bookmark at Jan before swiftly slipping it into the pages. “Thank you, Jan. I can’t believe you made them?!”

Jackie reached over and gave Jan’s knee a squeeze, and the touch made Jan stutter her words before she could respond. Every single one of Jackie’s touches caught her off guard, and she bitterly thought about the bold defiance of her drunk self who would eagerly return every touch in a more than generous way (as she had shown to Jackie on her sofa). Sober Jan could learn a thing or two from that crazy bitch, as Jan so fondly called her.

“I love birthdays and you deserve one that isn’t associated with telling your mom about all of the eligible bachelors lining up at your door.” Jan snorted, touching Jackie’s hand in a way that could have been misconstrued as an accident. “So, who is he? Tall, dark and handsome?” She pretended to swoon, fanning herself.

“Oh, like you wouldn’t believe. He’s a _banker_ in the city. Makes big bucks and takes me out for expensive wine and steak while he mansplains British politics because I’m obviously so confused. He also definitely assumes I’m American. _Hot.”_ Jackie played along, sniggering inelegantly, and their laughs clashed in the most musical way.

“Steak? Aren’t you a vegetarian?” Jan pointed out easily.

“Would straight Jackie be a vegetarian?”

“Fair point.”

Jan hoped that she could make Jackie see birthdays a little differently from that point onwards.

****

Jan had been to a few clubs back in New Jersey. When she turned twenty one she had joined her peers in what should have been a rite of passage, but it often ended in tears when she drank a few too many vodkas and panicked when men would hit on her. Ironically enough, her favourite times were when she had collapsed over the sink in dramatic sobs and another girl had approached her saying "Sweetie, no, no, you’re beautiful! Don’t ruin your makeup!". Jan revelled in the way girls would rally around each other in a club bathroom, it was like nothing else she had ever seen. They would help her reapply her lipstick and coiff her perm with adoring comments. Jan never saw any of those angels again, but in that moment, the _you’re beautiful_ comments always swirled in her head and left her giddy. Jan could always leave happily after that.

Despite this, Jan hoped that her first gay club experience wouldn’t make her cry in the bathroom.

The line was moving slowly but surely, and grey clouds of smoke swirled around them. The unpleasant smell was most certainly catching in Jan’s curls but she didn’t care, because she could only feel two things: the pulsing bass from inside the brick walls and Jackie’s arm tight around her. The girls were following close behind them in the line to get in, an explosion of colour, texture and patterns. Jan had been immediately thrilled when Shea and Rock gushed over her holographic purple mini dress, and even more thrilled when Jackie glared as Nicky cheekily smacked Jan’s ass and gained a slight embarrassing welp from her. 

Jan paired her dress with a lilac fur coat, and upon seeing it, Sasha had keenly dragged Jan towards Shea who had her own multi-coloured version. Ever since disposable cameras had become popular, Sasha made it clear that she carried one _everywhere_ and could fill multiple albums full of them. A lot of them were just of Shea, she admitted easily, because who wouldn’t take photos if their girlfriend looked like _that?_ She snapped a couple of them in their matching jackets, encouraging them to pose against a red brick building under the streetlights on their way to the club, and Jan gleefully adhered as they pouted and draped themselves across each other. 

“Those are gonna be so _hot.”_ Shea had given her a squeeze and nodded, adding a _thanks babe_ to Sasha before linking their fingers together. Rock had then stolen Jan away, linking arms with her and chattering animatedly about the perils of getting cramp in your hand whilst fingering someone. Jan wondered if she was talking from experience and glanced over at Nicky who was lamenting along with her. 

As they waited in the line, Nicky and Rock had unsurprisingly started poking fun at Jackie, insisting that she simply had to get birthday sex tonight, no questions asked. They squealed about how she had no choice but to take a girl home so that she could, in their words, _get railed and loosen up._ In the past, Jan had been told that she wore her emotions clear as day in her every expression. It made her a trustworthy friend and an absolutely awful liar. So, when Crystal caught Jan’s eye and gave her a sympathetic smile during Nicky and Rock’s babbling, Jan quickly realised that she was glowering at the floor as she listened to them encouraging Jackie to take a girl home. Her incensed scowl must have been unmistakeable, but Crystal’s supportive expression made her feel like she was floating rather than sinking in embarrassment. Jan realised that she didn’t mind her knowing.

Jan felt Jackie’s arm tighten around her as she coolly rolled her eyes at her friends, hurriedly ushering Jan towards the cloakroom and then inside when the time came, leaning in close.

“I know this is a gay club but still just watch yourself, okay?” Jackie murmured protectively, her breath hot against Jan’s ear and her grip secure around her. 

“What, are you lesbians or something?” Nicky hollered as she passed them with a wink and a guffaw that worked completely at odds with the undoubtedly sexy black leather she was wearing. Nicky played with Jackie’s hair on her way to the bar, mussing it up affectionately to make it frizz, but immediately apologised in the way she knew best: a round of shots.

“Jackie’s the birthday girl ya’ll!” Jan screeched once everyone had their drinks, and the group erupted in cheers around her. “Cheers to Jackie!”

Jan watched with a beaming smile as the girls ascended on Jackie, cuddling her and pressing kisses to her cheeks as she gently objected to all of the affection with no real force. Rock pulled Jan into the hug too, and they swayed as they held on tightly to one another until a pissed off voice came from behind them, complaining that they were blocking the bar. Nicky swore riotously in response to the voice and Jan snorted, her tongue between her teeth as she laughed. Sasha ferried them impatiently towards the dancefloor, sensing that Jackie wouldn’t want Nicky starting a brawl during her birthday celebrations.

“You’re finally gonna dance with me, huh?” Jan took her chance and hauled Jackie close to ask her this, starting to move and remembering how the brunette had vehemently refused to dance with her in the privacy of her studio flat. 

“I don’t think I have a choice,” Jackie quipped back without missing a beat, biting her lip as she smirked, the alcohol and heat of the club working together to create a pretty blush on her cheeks. 

Jan allowed herself to drag her eyes over Jackie’s sparkly blue jumpsuit, and it only got more mesmerizing when the bright lights reflected off it. Jan no longer felt afraid to let her gaze linger on Jackie’s cleavage, like the darkness of the club blanketed her in secrecy. She was grateful that the other girls seemed to know she and Jackie would want a little slice of privacy within the sweaty crowds, and the only thing grounding Jan in that moment was the fleeting smell of Jackie’s shampoo as they danced close up with one another. 

“C’mon dad!” Rock called Jackie out for her ‘dad dancing’, but it didn’t stop her, it only made her howl with laughter and twirl Jan around. Jackie looked more uncaring and free than Jan had ever seen her.

After a few more drinks, things began to get fuzzy, and Jan simultaneously felt slightly out of control and utterly safe in the fold of her friends. She found it easy to let the music take over, leaning back into Jackie and encouraging her to sway in the same directions. They had lost Crystal early on to the attentions of a tall, auburn haired beauty in a skin tight bodysuit who had confidently danced her way through their private circle straight over to her. Jan smiled to herself, pleased to see that the charm of her obnoxiously clashing patterns and mullet could pull the curiosity of this stranger. Nicky and Rock had gone from sloppily making out against the wall to chatting to a confident woman with braids and a dazzling smile who Jan didn’t recognise, but Jackie and Sasha were nudging each other with scheming smiles at the sight.

It was close to three, and they had all paired off. Only an idiot would be ignorant to that. The way Sasha and Shea danced was like nobody else was near them, and even when a drunk girl stumbled into them, neither of them even flinched, too wrapped up in one another to care. Jackie finally told her that the mystery girl was called Jaida, and god only knows where Rock and Nicky had ended up with her. That left Jackie and Jan dancing with their hands clasped together, sweat dripping down exposed skin as they moved to Whitney Houston and Bronski Beat. Jackie looked over to meet Sasha or Shea’s eye for a moment - Jan couldn’t tell which - before grabbing her hand and tugging Jan towards the door. 

The air felt cold and razor-edged, and Jan had to refocus her eyes and not react when Jackie all but moaned at the cooling sensation of the night’s breeze. Her slight blush had already vanished. They hadn’t let go of each other’s hands, and were tipsily content to remain tangled together by their fingers.

“Did you have fun, birthday girl?”

“It was the best.” Jackie offered in return, her eyes closed as they stopped on the pavement. Jan recognised this as Jackie’s love for control, how the air was giving her a welcome sober moment in between the fuzz of the alcohol, and she allowed her to take the moment to centre herself. Jan yearned to kiss Jackie in that moment, taking her by surprise and sweeping her off her feet, but instead she squeezed her fingers just a little too tightly in order to stop herself. Jackie didn’t seem to notice.

If they were going to do that, it had to be right. Jan just hadn’t found the right moment yet. 

When she had first started hanging out with Jackie, seeing her be such an unapologetic lesbian made Jan think she was the bravest woman she had ever met. However, Jan quickly realised that she was wrong. Jackie was like a crackling fire, consistent and warming, but not always daring. Jan had spent all this time looking for a firework but hadn’t ever taken the time to consider that once they bang, gravity crashes them back down to earth and the blinding lights of the colours are gone. Just like that. Jackie didn’t crash into the room with grand gestures or crazy confessions, it just wasn’t her style.

If they were ever going to do something about the tension that lingered in the air between them, Jan knew that she would have to be the brave one.

****

As the month went on, the days became longer and brighter with every passing moment. It made Jan more of an early riser, someone who even went on a run every now and then to take in London before the tourists did, but this may have been more to do with her habit of waking up at 6:30am and being unable to sleep again. The gentle sun pulled her out of her room with the promise of a new day. 

It was lovely and bright on a Tuesday, and Jan had a lecture at 10am. _Category Is…_ conveniently opened at 9am, and Jan couldn’t resist when she knew that Jackie was on the morning shift. She nipped into a small cafe to grab them a muffin each, feeling chipper with the thought that she would see Jackie’s face so soon. Just as this crossed her mind, she spotted her up ahead, boots clacking against the pavement.

Jan could make out that Jackie’s curls were piled onto her head messily in a loose bun, and her large silver earrings dangled prettily by her jaw. Her usual faded mom jeans were paired with an oversized t-shirt that had been messily tucked in with a chunky knit cardigan. It was only when Jan got closer that she noticed how Jackie’s shoulders were slumped, as if they were carrying a weight, as she inspected the front of the store.

“Jacks!” Jan yelled up ahead, her brow furrowing when she was met with a weak wave that made her quicken her pace to a small jog until she reached her. “Jackie, I..”

“Careful!” Jackie stopped Jan in her tracks before she kicked over the bucket of soapy water at her feet, and the blonde squeaked in surprise. Jan frowned in confusion before she looked up at the shop window, her breath feeling like it had been swiftly punched out of her. 

“Who did this?” Jan breathed, swallowing thickly as she took in the sight of the word ‘dykes’ scrawled across the window in white spray paint. Bob might have owned the store, but the women who sat at the front were the faces that were seen day in and day out. Jan was aware that Nicky didn’t work on Tuesdays, and tears pooled in her eyes at the thought of Jackie dealing with this alone. If Jan hadn’t turned up, she probably wouldn’t have told anyone.

“Probably the same people who did it last time, and the same people who did it the time before that. This isn’t a new thing, Jan.” Jackie sighed, looking resigned to it, but all Jan could feel was white hot rage that made her clench her fists at her sides. It blinded her, and she felt utterly exasperated to see Jackie give up right in front of her, squeezing the sponge that would wipe away the scrawl that felt violently burnt into her chest.

“But- Jackie-” Jan spluttered, gesturing towards the graffiti as if Jackie couldn’t see what it was. For someone so passionate, her apathetic response was astounding to Jan. “You’re just gonna clean it up? They need to..” She trailed off, groaning as she stomped up and down the pavement.

“What?” Jackie looked exhausted, raising an eyebrow at Jan. It felt patronising and Jan gritted her teeth, reminding herself that it wasn’t Jackie she was mad at. She loathed to remind herself that Jackie had probably seen more of this, dealt with more of this than she ever had.

“They need to pay! They need to get what they deserve, face the consequences. They can’t get away with this.” Jan babbled, completely exasperated as she stared at the woman before her.

“Oh, and what do you propose I do? Hm? Call the police?” Jackie laughed sardonically, shaking her head. Her grimace turned softer at the sight of a tear running down Jan’s face. Her voice followed suit, becoming quiet and tender. “You might not realise it just yet, but they don’t help, Jan. It’s more trouble than it’s worth. We don’t want to bring them here.”

Jan nodded, defeated, aggressively wiping away her tears with her sleeve and sniffling pathetically. Her mascara was most definitely smeared, but there wasn’t enough room in her busy mind for her to even consider that as an issue right now. Jan dropped her bags onto the pavement and pulled up her sleeves.

“Don’t you have class?” Jackie blinked, watching her with a gentle curiosity.

“This is more important.” Jan muttered with a firm nod, feeling the solid ache in her chest melt into a warm magma that filled every space within her when she saw Jackie’s grateful expression.

In that singular moment, something snapped within Jan. 

She looked up at the word ‘dykes’, burning at the way it had been used as a weapon against them, but was taken aback by the power she felt in remembering that it also embellished one of the badges Jackie had given to her when they met. Jan wore it everyday on her backpack, and it stared boldly at whoever walked behind her. Jan had never considered the risk of this before, but when she saw the look in Jackie’s eyes, she knew that Jackie most certainly had. 

Jackie was wringing out the sponge when she saw Jan’s eyes were on her, ready to start scrubbing.

“Jan?” 

Jan didn’t answer her with words, she merely plucked the sponge from her hands and dropped it back into the bucket before crowding her against the defaced window and kissing her breathless. Jackie froze at first, with almost enough time for Jan to panic, but relief and adrenaline rushed through her when Jackie _finally_ twisted one hand into her hair and used the other to pull her impossibly closer as their kiss became bolder. Jackie made up for her panicked reverie by sliding her tongue against Jan’s in the most delicious way that pulled a gentle whine from her. It was uncoordinated in their desperate need for each other, and Jan had to rise up on her tiptoes until Jackie’s grip ever so slightly lifted her up. 

Not caring who could pass them and with the word ‘dykes’ smudged on the window behind them, Jan and Jackie kissed and kissed and kissed.

  
  



	4. May

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HELLO - thank you for all of the love on the last chapter! So overwhelmed and pleased by how everyone liked my plans for their first kiss, it seemed right and if I'm gonna write about the 80s authentically then we need to acknowledge it was fucking difficult to be queer. Those kinda themes are gonna carry on and are, of course, super Brit-centric but I've tried to explain everything clearly within the story. If you don't know much about Section 28 or Margaret Thatcher, go ahead and be absolutely sickened by the whole thing. It wasn't actually repealed until 2003 lol werkkkkkkkk!
> 
> Special shoutout to @halfofwhatyouare (check out her stuff, especially if you're Trixya inclined) who gave me all the ideas for Crystal's music taste. I'm a total Jan bubble pop lesbian so I needed the help…
> 
> @alittle-bitcloser on Tumblr as always!!

Since their kiss, Jan and Jackie had done little else.

Shea had been the first to catch them.

Jackie had come up with the idea to sneakily drag Jan into Bob’s office under the guise of helping her locate some documents for a publisher. Jan called Jackie a genius when she (supposedly) locked the door behind them and deftly lifted the blonde up onto the desk, the papers muddling under her. Jackie came to stand in between her legs with a victorious smirk before closing the gap between them. Their kiss quickly became heated with the knowledge that they might not have much longer, and Jan had happily wrapped her legs around Jackie who probably would have lay her down on the desk if the door hadn’t burst open.

“Oh! _Oh!”_ Shea exclaimed and leapt backwards ever so slightly in surprise at what she was seeing. Jan craned to turn her head with a sheepish grin, her arms still around Jackie’s neck. For a moment, Jan thought Shea might actually keep quiet, but that notion was quickly dashed when she jumped up and down in excitement which brought Nicky and Rock scrambling to the door. 

_“Salopes!”_ Nicky cackled, high-fiving Rock as she did and almost pushing Shea out of the doorway in her efforts to see. “I love it!”

“Jan, I officially owe you a drink for radicalising Jackie into _fucking in her boss’ office!_ ” Rock feigned looking scandalised, ‘fainting’ into the arms of Nicky while Shea snorted a gentle laugh that played under their chaos like music.

Jan finally looked up at Jackie who was shaking with laughter, cheeks tinged pink and eyes crinkled closed as she fought the instinct to cringe at their situation. Jan didn’t mention that utilising the office was entirely Jackie’s scheming, and felt beyond satisfied to keep this side of her all to herself. Jan had a fiery impact on Jackie, one that made her perhaps take a few more risks. News of their less than shocking entanglement travelled fast, prompting the same kind of _about time_ response from everyone close to them. Jackie would always roll her eyes hard enough to sprain them, but Jan beamed with the knowledge that she made it happen.

They were tumbling down a hill that was getting steeper and steeper without any concern for hitting the bottom of it, and whether it would be cushioned or solid didn’t phase them as long as they fell together. They fell, intertwined, into bookshelves at the store, into alleyways when Jan couldn’t wait to get inside before kissing her, and into Jackie’s bed. Well, more accurately, the first time it happened they found themselves on more familiar grounds: Jackie’s couch. 

Jan was late to arrive, clutching a bottle of red wine and an apologetic smile as she did, but Jackie didn’t mind at all. She’d had the time to shower leisurely and put on a soft, rose coloured robe where the shoulders had become damp from her dripping curls. Jan immediately appreciated the way she could peek at Jackie’s bare thighs where the tie had become loose around her waist, and she rapidly shed herself of her jacket and shoes.

That night, Jackie had been so painstakingly caring in getting Jan down to her underwear that it was almost frustrating, but her expression said that she already knew that. Jan’s skin bloomed in a garland of goosebumps as she was gradually stripped down. Jackie hadn’t taken off her robe, but it lay ever so slightly open as Jan straddled her lap. Jan was eager and certainly showing it as she breathily giggled into adoring kisses while Jackie tangled her fingers into the roots of her hair. She could taste the smooth and smoky tones of the malbec on Jackie’s tongue, and knew that her teeth were probably stained an ugly red. Their glasses were still half full, but sat ignored on the coffee table.

Jan slid the robe off Jackie’s shoulders, her brown eyes wide as she realised that she _could_ and she was _allowed_. She began to enthusiastically kiss up the curve of her neck, and Jackie let her head loll back as she lightly scraped her nails down Jan’s sides, chuckling when it elicited a needy sound from her. Jackie stroked down the gentle rolls that made up her curves, and Jan felt smug to see a hunger in her eyes. She reached around for the clasp of Jan’s bra, taking a moment to undo it, and Jan found that she wasn’t embarrassed to shrug it off and show herself to Jackie. Seeing the way her eyes scanned the bits of her body she hadn’t seen before thrilled Jan, it made her feel desired and that lit something within her, filling her from head to toe. 

Jan was coaxed, with whispers and guiding hands, into straddling Jackie’s thigh. Jan was suddenly hyper-aware of the wetness that Jackie would be able to feel on the cotton of her underwear, the way it would be stark and obvious against the warm skin of her thigh. Jan could pinpoint the moment when Jackie first felt it, and noticed the subtle twitch of her hips in an effort to gain friction. There was a beat and an intake of breath before Jackie firmly took hold of Jan’s hips and encouraged her movements.

“Make yourself feel good, show me.” Jackie broke the soundtrack of heavy breathing and quiet whimpers when she said this, and the way her nails dug into the soft handles of Jan’s hipbones emboldened her grinding. “That’s it…”

Jackie looked enraptured as she watched Jan move against her, bucking her hips and becoming more brazen by the second. Jan enjoyed watching how she made Jackie’s chest heave, knowing in the back of her mind that she must look absolutely desperate in her effort to gain any and all friction. Their lips met once more as Jackie experimentally pressed her hands against the soft swells of Jan’s chest, holding her breasts still from where they bounced with her movements, and brushing her fingertips over her nipples. Jan felt overwhelmed with the amalgamation of sensations happening, and she still wanted more.

 _“Jackie-”_ She whined, her movements not ceasing as Jackie pulled back to look at her. “I need you.” 

Jackie bit her lip, cupping Jan’s jaw and murmuring about how pretty she looked like this, such a writhing mess in her lap. In the next moment, Jan wasn’t sure what made her do it, but as Jackie’s thumb brushed against her lips she took it into her mouth and sucked. She went with what felt right, what felt like it would drive Jackie crazy, and she was absolutely right because Jackie _moaned._ The sound was music to Jan’s ears, and she hoped it would signal that the preamble was over and that she could finally have her fingers inside her

It worked. 

Jackie instantly pulled Jan flush against her body and lifted her up as she stood, prompting Jan to squeal and hook her feet at the base of her back. Jan welcomed the feeling of the soft bed as she was carefully dropped onto it, her breath catching in her throat when Jackie finally fully discarded her robe that was hanging off her body anyway. Jackie wasted no time in getting on top of her, pulling Jan’s underwear down and off with an impatient mumble about them being in the way.

_Jackie was naked and on top of her._

Jan was about to say something cheeky and self-satisfied when she felt the first touch of fingers pressing against her clit, and she let out an extremely loud moan at the contact instead. She immediately covered her face with a shocked laugh, but Jackie shook her head vehemently.

“No, be loud, _please_ make noise, let me hear you,” Jackie cooed, accentuating her point with an open mouthed and deep kiss that made their noses bump clumsily together in the trembling desperation of it as she continued to massage her clit, experimentally running her fingers down to feel the the wetness of Jan’s folds with a sigh.

Jan knew that she was dripping, and she angled her hips in such a way that Jackie just seemed to understand what she was asking for because immediately her eyes were fluttering closed at the feeling of being filled with her fingers. Once Jackie’s fingers were curling up inside of her, everything seemed to move a lot faster. Her breathing and moans were elevated, ragged and torn to shreds as she writhed and arched into Jackie’s rhythm, but what Jan wasn’t prepared for were her next words.

Jackie began to tell her how she had touched herself thinking about this, how right here on this bed she had fucked herself and moaned Jan’s name. The words kept on coming and Jan was unable to understand how she could so articulately spin the speech about wanting to bury her face in between Jan’s thighs, because Jan could barely even breathe. Jackie told Jan how she intended to pull her apart again and again, and the comment wrecked her, made her pull at Jackie’s hair as she came and press open mouthed kisses to her shoulder in between garbled moans of her name. She bit down into Jackie’s skin without caring how hard.

Jan hadn’t spent long recovering, sated and pliant under the dusting of kisses Jackie softly laid against her skin, before she had keenly pushed her down onto her back with a breathy simper. From sweetly kissing Jackie with a feigned innocence that died with the mischievous smirk on her lips, she took her tongue down to her breasts, to the pinks of her nipples and to the downy hair between her legs. The streetlights infiltrated the gaps in the curtains and scorched her naked skin in amber. Jackie’s body suited the warmth of it.

“Will you tell me what you like?” Jan asked coyly, peering up at Jackie from between her legs where she had experimentally licked a stripe from her entrance to her clit. She was met with the sight of Jackie looking at her like she was brand new, like she was a marvel. 

Jackie’s hips canted with the need for more and she gently guided Jan’s head down, tenderly talking her through what she wanted along with endless praise over how amazing she was making her feel. Every moan and compliment spurred Jan on like electricity coursing through her veins, and a hum came from low in her chest. Jan found that she loved the way Jackie pulled her hair, pushed her down, squeezed her thighs around her head as she licked and sucked. She was a perfectionist after all, and this wasn’t about to be any different. 

“Jan, you’re so good, that feels- _oh-”_ Jackie choked out, and her groans were low in her throat. Her praise became more like thoughtless babbles that only consisted of Jan.

Making Jackie orgasm felt like a personal triumph. Upon seeing how utterly wrecked Jackie was, Jan flipped her hair over her shoulder in a self satisfied way, taking in the other woman’s closed eyes and the way her chest moved up and down rapidly with the gradually slowing rhythm of her heart. Jan was ready to immediately do it all over again, drunk on the adrenaline.

And so, they did.

****

It was May 24th 1988 when Section 28 was passed in the UK. It stated, clear as day, that **a local authority shall not intentionally promote homosexuality or publish material with the intention of promoting homosexuality** or **promote the teaching in any maintained school of the acceptability of homosexuality as a pretended family relationship.**

It was a comfortably warm Tuesday that had turned chilly as it made its way into the evening, and nothing else was out of the ordinary. Jackie and Jan were burning candles, as if the soft scents might soothe the news. 

“This fucking bitch-” Jan fumed, pacing and cursing Margaret Thatcher for all she was worth as Jackie shushed her from where she was sat cross-legged on the bed trying to listen to the news. She turned up the radio that was replaying a speech from the year before in which the prime minister had stated that _children who need to be taught to respect traditional moral values are being taught that they have the unalienable right to be gay._ At that, Jackie deftly slammed it off with far more force than necessary. 

She wondered how the other flats in her building were responding to the news, if it even touched them, if any of them were happy about it. Jan was certainly yelling loud enough for them to know how flat 12A was feeling.

As Jackie and Jan’s relationship had been progressing forwards, the world seemed to be going backwards. Jackie’s mind wandered to Nicky, to Rock, to Shea, to Sasha and to Crystal all in turn. It comforted her that she could see Jan right now, because even if it seemed like smoke was coming out of her ears, Jackie didn’t feel like she was facing this entirely alone.

“Jackie, say something.” Jan was wide-eyed and her gaze was aflame, arms tensely folded across her chest. Jackie just stared back at her, wondering what turn of emotion would follow her outburst. “Speak, for fuck’s sake, this witch is literally saying kids can’t know about people like us, that we’re something that shouldn’t be _promoted_ like it’s a fucking agenda!”

Jackie swallowed and considered her frustration, feeling the same pressure rising in her chest. It felt like smoke was making it hard to breathe, and she realised that she desperately needed to exhale. 

“I think it’s fucked.” Jackie finally spoke up, her voice finding its feet. “It’s utterly fucked and it isn’t even coded, it’s straight-up homophobia that wants to deny that we exist.” 

“Jackie, we’ve done nothing wrong. Jacks, I-” Jan groaned in frustration, and Jackie could see the way her throat moved when she gulped. She was clutching, grasping for words desperately, and Jackie wished she could find them and gently hand them to her. Jackie yearned to stop Jan and softly pry open her palms to give her the syntax, the words and expressions, to understand the way society was looking at people like them. But, truthfully, Jackie didn’t even have many words of her own for it.

Jan’s cheeks were scorched with an angry vermillion. She was pacing as though there was too much energy in her nervous system, like she needed to get rid of it all before she exploded. Her usual joyful chaos had been translated into something unsettling and frantic, and Jackie felt like it made the tension in her bones feel close to breaking.

“Jan, could you please just-” Jackie’s almost irritable plea was cut off by the sight of Jan coming to rest on the edge of the bed. It was happening, the explosion had come, and it was manifesting itself through body wracking sobs that shook from her shoulders.

Jackie cautiously crawled closer to her, hesitantly resting her hand on her shoulder in a way that said _I’m here._ Jan immediately took it as an invitation, pulling Jackie around her like a cocoon and burrowing into her chest as she cried. Jackie’s striped shirt was damp with her tears, and her arms wound tightly around Jan like a vice.

“Janny…” Jackie began delicately after a few minutes of allowing Jan to violently sob in her arms, quickly wiping at her own eyes and swallowing thickly. 

“Jacks, it’s not fair. I just don’t understand.” Jan sniffled, wiping her runny nose with the back of her hand without her usual concern for seeming a little gross. The despair in her doe-eyed gaze had its hand firmly around Jackie’s throat, tightening with an abandon that made her desperate for it to relinquish its grasp.

“I know, honey. I know.” Jackie began, pursing her lips as she considered her next words. She swayed ever so gently, figuring that the rhythmic motion might calm Jan as she held her. “But this is going to keep happening.”

“Huh?” Jan seemed surprised to hear Jackie’s take, looking up at her with a raised eyebrow. “You know that isn’t comforting, right?”

“They're not going to stop, Jan, and it’s better that we know that.” Jackie brushed the stray hairs away from Jan’s face, the ones that were sticking to her skin with the dampness of her tears. “But what we can do is fight back. We’re going to get out there on the streets and you’re gonna see just how many of us there really are. I promise you, they can’t do this.”

“So, we need to fight.” Jan repeated. She blinked through the last dregs of her tears, pulling back to look at Jackie’s face. 

“We’re going to ask them- No, we’re going to _tell_ them that this is unacceptable. And they’re going to hear us.” Jackie’s words were clear and firm, and she reiterated her point by nodding at Jan and squeezing her shoulders. “And if they don’t like it? It doesn’t matter. We aren’t going anywhere.”

Jan gulped, and the way her unmoving spirit had been shaken by the passing of this clause made Jackie more determined than ever to make her feel solid again. Jackie wanted to be that tangible thing that made Jan feel real in moments like this, that brought her back down to earth where she could recognise that she was alive, breathing and loved. 

“Could we just like...listen to some music?” Jan requested quietly, sounding just as fragile as she looked. 

“Of course.” Jackie gave her a squeeze, as if to warn her that she was momentarily letting go. She picked out a Tears for Fears album, carefully applying the needle to the record before she returned to the bed.

For now, they would listen to music. Fighting could wait until tomorrow.

****

The passing of Section 28 brought backlash, and Bob had even started working more at the front of the store as of late to keep an eye on what was happening. Most of their materials were published abroad, giving them a loophole within the clause, but they’d had issues for years with customs and official channels trying to block their orders. It gave Jackie anxiety to wonder how much worse that could get. Bob gave Widow free reign over any time she wanted for her black womens’ group, no matter how often, fuck the usual schedule. Familiar faces like Peppermint and Jaida filled the store on more evenings than was normal, and even if there was mainly silence, they were silent together. In addition to this, Bob widened his contacts to supply a safe place for any person or group who might need it. Safety was paramount and there was safety in numbers.

The store gained more customers coming to gain sanctuary than anything else, but Bob argued that this bill gave the bigots permission to be bigots, so they couldn’t be too careful. He warned that they would be emboldened by it, and their circle had gotten tighter like armour as a result. Bob had seen enough to know that things felt different right now, a little more tense than usual, and the usual certainly wasn’t great to begin with. Jackie trusted him like a mentor when it came to her own attitude towards what was happening around her. She unpacked some information pamphlets, eyes skimming over the information about AIDS which she popped by the door so that they were easily accessible.

“Did you hear about the BBC getting stormed on Monday night? Iconic.” Nicky had never read the newspaper in her life, but she’d been keeping up as of late. 

“Didn’t they handcuff themselves to the camera?” Bob grinned from where he was watching the rain hammer against the pavement, folding some printed ‘stop the clause’ t-shirts they were giving out for the planned protests. It had been a quiet day, but they felt more responsibility than ever.

“And the news desk _just_ as they went live.” Jackie supplied, adjusting her glasses.

“Lesbians really be coming for our gig with the dramatics.” Bob let out a low whistle, shaking his head and chuckling. Jackie had noticed he’d been more subdued since the bill had passed, seeking out their company a little more, but she didn’t say anything. She just huffed a laugh at his comment.

“Coming? Bitch, we’re already there.” Nicky made a point of strutting dramatically over to the radio, turning it up in a seemingly careless manner that only Jackie could work out was a way of lifting the heavy mood that had been lingering. 

When _So Emotional_ came on by Whitney Houston, the roguish spark in Nicky’s eye was obvious. It was the kind of look that made Jackie suspicious after two years of knowing her. Nicky sang along, substituting the words she didn’t know with humming, and began dancing towards Jackie.

“Don’t you dare.” She warned, but Nicky completely ignored her and took a pile of books from her grasp, pulling her in by her hands. 

“We deserve a breather, Jacqueline!” Nicky chided, laughing as she managed to twirl a less than enthusiastic Jackie around. “Right, Bob? Back me up.”

Nicky made a pleased noise when Jackie reluctantly gave in to her, and the women danced. Slowly but surely, chuckles and simpers began to fill the shop, bathing it in warmth along with the yellow glow of the lights. 

“You know what? Damn right we do.” Bob agreed, but he didn’t join them in their dancing. Instead, he turned the ‘open’ sign to ‘closed’ on the door, before nipping into his office and returning with an expensive bottle of whiskey. “This is the expensive shit so don’t say I never give you anything.”

Soon enough, three mugs were on the counter and Jackie was cringing her way through the strong spirit. She had to admit, though, that the burn was welcome in her throat. It fought against the violent winds of the outside world. It might not have been an antidote, but it sure as hell numbed the incessant stinging they had all been feeling within their chests.

Nicky danced into the night, Bob chattered into the night, and Jackie simply listened. In that moment and in this place, she felt content.

****

The morning of the protest was dry but overcast, the clouds brewing a sombre atmosphere that only Jan’s relentlessly cheerful voice could break through. She hoped that the sun would follow, and surprisingly enough, it did. _Since Yesterday_ by Strawberry Switchblade travelled through the hallways from Crystal’s bedroom, along with muffled ramblings and the odd giggle. 

“Dolls! I bring supplies!” Jan squealed, radiating a strict commitment to positivity as she climbed the stairs of the shared house Crystal had moved into just a few weeks prior. She had cut cardboard tucked underneath her arm and a backpack full of spray paint and marker pens.

Crystal had taken up a more permanent residence at Sasha and Shea’s after skirting around the girls’ places for a while. The couple had insisted, loving the bright chaos she brought into their serene space, and that was all they expected as rent. It meant that Crystal could take time finding somewhere that suited her, settling on taking a room in a large warehouse type building taken up by queers of all kinds in Brixton. Of course, she had been teased endlessly for going to live South of the river. 

“Desperate dykes call for desperate measures,” Crystal had shot back. “And anyway, it means I can have my _friend_ over from Jackie’s birthday because I finally have a little privacy.”

“Friend? Is that what we’re calling it these days?” Shea hummed.

“I actually heard we’re calling her Gigi, but that’s Crystal’s business.” Jackie had given her a shit-eating grin from across the room, and Jan swatted her arm as she giggled at Crystal’s scandalised look over being exposed by Jackie of all people. Jan was unsure why she looked so shocked, as she had quickly identified Jackie’s quiet way of calling people out, full of smirks and less than innocent side-eye.

Sasha being Sasha had friends in artistic and theatrical places who were looking for someone suitable to fill the room. The space was full of anti-establishment creatives who said fuck the National Theatre, fuck the National Gallery, fuck the government and fuck the capitalists. As long as Crystal could handle the non-stop chaos and eclectic surroundings, she was absolutely welcome. Of course, this suited Crystal down to the ground.

Crystal hadn’t taken much from home after she had hastily packed a suitcase and fled to Jackie’s, but the girls made sure she had enough to fill her room. Her new record player that sat playing in the corner was a result of them all chipping in some money for that and a few records. They knew she’d left her old one at her parents’ house and didn’t want to give her any reason to go back. 

“Crystal, that’s a lot of glitter, you know this isn’t Pride right? It’s a little different…” Jackie trailed off, holding up her own bold sign that simply read 'do not deny us' _._

“Glitter gets people’s attention, Jackie!” As if to make her point, Crystal only shook her glitter harder, pouring an obscene amount over the glue that she had spread onto the capitalised 'SECTION TWENTY HATE' _._

“Screw you Thatcher or fuck you?” Nicky mused, staring at her empty sign and chewing on the top of her marker pen.  
  
“I can see the appeal of both.” Crystal supplied, grinning widely at her as she dug out some glitter from one of her brightly coloured tote bags. She threw a couple of the tubs over to Rock who caught one but missed the other, clambering across Crystal’s bed to retrieve it.

“Sasha! Screw or fuck?”

“Screw! It’s more visceral!” Sasha shot back from where she was standing, hands on Shea’s shoulders while her girlfriend concentrated intently on sewing a banner. 

“What’s your sign gonna be, Rock?” Jan asked brightly, settling beside Rock and sitting cross legged as she began to slowly trace gays just wanna have fun(damental human rights) onto her cardboard. She had been immensely proud of that one, even if she knew the rest of them would probably poke fun at her.

“I was thinking maybe a stop sign, oh, or a crosswalk sign! The lady in the crosswalk sign is sickening.” Rock really couldn’t answer anything with an ounce of seriousness, and Jan cackled as she shoved at her arm. 

She remained sat with Rock as she finished her sign, and peaceful chatter floated around them until the Rock ceased her concentration and goaded Jan into choosing who was better: Madonna or Cyndi Lauper. Jackie had snorted upon hearing the question, shaking her head warningly.

“You _really_ don’t know what you’ve gotten yourself into.” Jackie quipped, looking eager to see how this conversation would undoubtedly spiral as Jan became more impassioned.

Unsurprisingly, Jan immediately launched into a lengthy rant about how they were both trailblazers in their own right, and how utterly cruel it was that Rock would ever ask her to pick. She only stopped when her head whipped around at the sound of buzzing in the corner of the room, only to find that Crystal had plugged in her clippers and was shaving the sides of Nicky’s head.

“Shave it all!” Rock egged them on, pumping her fist in the air.

“Don’t even try and come for my gig.” Sasha bat back, putting her feet up as she sat on an old armchair Crystal had gotten from one of her new housemates.

Crystal and her homemade mullet often became victim of people begging her to play hairdresser, and she had even promised to bleach Jan’s hair when her darker roots started to come through. Rock’s cherry blossom pink was also Crystal’s careful work, and they even played Girls Just Wanna Have Fun as she’d done it just so they could get Cyndi Lauper’s blessing. Shea and Sasha insisted they could take care of themselves, and Crystal strictly refused to touch Jackie’s hair with any sort of colour, saying she wouldn’t dare to spoil those curls.

“It’s just the sides! I look so fucking hot!” Nicky inspected herself in the mirror that was propped up against the wall, feeling the parts of her freshly buzzed scalp and grinning at Shea who was snapping her fingers in approval of her new look. Jan was in awe of how Nicky could pose so goofily and still look like she belonged on the cover of a magazine.

“Close your mouth, Janice, you’re drooling.” Nicky winked at her, breaking Jan’s stare and prompting her to roll her eyes with a huff of laughter. Jackie simply threw a pen at Nicky from across the room, causing Crystal to shriek as she ducked out of the way. 

As Jan observed the disorder surrounding her, she realised she had never felt more in order in her whole life. Her radiant surroundings flickered with the voices of those she loved, and they worked to drown out the hateful rhetoric she’d been hearing from people with a lot more power than her. Jan quickly realised that they had their own power, and she was a part of that, their weapons being spray paint and glitter for now.

****

Jan tightly clutched onto her sign as she walked by Jackie’s side. She hadn’t attended a march before, not a single Pride or protest, but this felt so vitally important to her and she knew she was in the best company for it. They were all wearing the same ‘stop the clause’ shirts just styled in a variety of different ways. Jan had cut hers into a cropped vest and Jackie’s was cuffed at the sleeves. Nicky and Crystal had cut multiple holes in theirs. Sasha had rolled her eyes and said that this wasn’t a fashion show, but Nicky shrugged and insisted that it didn’t matter as long as people could see the slogan.

“Bob! Over here!” Jackie hollered, waving a group over who were walking across to their meeting point.

Jan waved keenly at Peppermint when she noticed her within the group, bounding over to chat animatedly with her as Jackie began to organise their groups in her typically domineering fashion. It was odd seeing Peppermint in a different environment, but the invisible rapport between them was strengthened. They were on the same side for the same cause. 

The crowds were rife with colour, and Jan was overwhelmed to know that all of these people were so willing to stand up and fight. Her own queer world had been confined to the bookstore and Jackie’s studio flat, and now it was growing. That growth had been coming slowly, but this sea of protesters suddenly made the possibilities of that world seem endless. She was broken from her reverie by Jackie tugging on her arm, gesturing that they had started to move forward. Jan followed eagerly, feeling secure in the familiar faces around her, and they elevated their signs all together as they made their way to the main streets of London. Those confident enough, like Bob, Sasha and Shea, led chants as they walked. They didn’t stop for anything, not even the signs of police presence that made Jan sink into Jackie’s side as she remembered their conversation outside of _Category Is…_ when they had shared their first kiss.

As they walked, Jan was taken by surprise when Jackie grabbed her hand and brushed her lips over her knuckles. The gesture wasn’t a shock, but it was only then that Jan realised how automatically they avoided these tokens of affection when they were in any other kind of crowd or bustling road. They were conditioned to unthinkingly censor themselves, but in this moment it was different. She felt hazy and warm despite the ragged edges of what they were trying to fight, but held onto any positive feelings with struggling fingertips. Rock was currently holding both her own and Nicky’s signs as Nicky rolled a cigarette, and she made a show of them being too heavy for her until everyone marching around her was erupting in peals of goofy laughter. There were waves of seriousness, of joy, of worry, and of togetherness all rolled into one throughout the day.

Jan became enraptured by a chat with Bob, Peppermint and their friend Monét when the marching slowed in a busier area, and she was unphased as she adjusted her spot in the crowds and Jackie kept on ahead. Jan peered about her new surroundings with curiosity and couldn’t help herself from complimenting a girl’s blonde ponytail, finding the height and volume of her curled fringe honestly impressive. The girl had beamed at her, all bright red lips and pristine white teeth, before she excitedly latched herself onto Jan’s side. She was bubbly, sassy, and refused to tell Jan her real name, claiming that she should call her Lemon. Jan acquiesced, giving up on probing her about it before asking if she was marching alone.

“I came with my girlfriend- Wait, where the fuck is she?” The girl tossed her hair over her shoulder and rolled her eyes as she turned and yelled. “Pri?! _Priyanka!_ ”

The so-called Priyanka shrieked as she looked around for her girlfriend’s voice and then finally set eyes on her, darting over chaotically and weaving through people with apologies as she did. Priyanka had a beautiful face with a cheeky grin, and had packed thick eyeliner and blue eyeshadow over her dark eyes.

“I’m here! Lem, you know what it’s like. I saw a dog, had to pet it.” Priyanka shrugged at Lemon, and then glanced at Jan. “Who’s your friend?”

“I’m Jan! I was just telling Lemon how much I loved her hair.”

“We’re basically besties.” Lemon added matter-of-factly, and Priyanka seemed happy to go along with whatever she was told. It made Jan feel wanted, and the warmth of it filled every corner of her being.

“I’m Priyanka, but you knew that from this loud mouth bitch over here.” Priyanka mocked Lemon and bit her lip with a playful grin when she saw her expression in response. “Who are you here to fight the fuckery with?”

“I like Jan better than you now.” Lemon stuck her tongue out at her girlfriend, but Priyanka merely nudged Jan to answer her question. 

“My girlfriend- I think? We haven’t really... _Whatever,_ I’m here with Jackie. That’s her!” Jan became quickly flustered at the way the word girlfriend had so easily left her mouth, so she settled on just pointing towards where Jackie was marching between Crystal and Nicky.

“Ohhhhh, she’s cute! Think she’ll want some Lem-yanka?” Jan borderline shrieked with laughter at how Priyanka put her name with Lemon’s, not even having the heart to be annoyed about the implication of them in a threesome with Jackie because she was so enamoured by the sweet way the couple were linking arms with her. “You better snap her up quick, girl!”

With their signs, it was clumsy, but Jan didn’t care because she was making friends. 

“I’m working on it.” Was all Jan said in response, grinning widely when Jackie looked round to locate her. Their eyes met with an encouraging smile sent Jan’s way, and she couldn’t help but appreciate the way Jackie was so observant. She tried to pay attention to everything and Jan suspected it was to do with knowing her surroundings - she didn’t tend to appreciate shocks as they were out of her control. Even when her concentration wasn’t on Jan, she would always default to seeking her out no matter where they were.

Jackie mouthed a quick _you okay?_ at her, and Jan nodded enthusiastically back. She hoped that everything would work out okay, but this was all they could do for now.

****

Jan heaved open the door to _Category Is…_ with a dramatic groan as if it was much heavier than it actually was. It must have announced her entrance because Nicky didn’t even have to look and see who it was before she hollered her greeting.

“Janice! Bonjour!” Nicky’s voice emerged cheerfully from the back room, and she quickly came out with a pile of books in her arms that came all the way up to her chin. She clumsily plonked them onto the counter. “If you’re looking for Jackie, you just missed her.”

“I could always just wait if she won’t be long.” Jan answered brightly with a shrug, peeking at the pile of new titles Nicky had put down.

“She’s in The Marquis across the road! You could always go see her, I’m sure she won’t mind.” Nicky shrugged as she put up a poster for Pride. She tapped the date with a meaningful glance towards Jan. “It’s looking like record numbers because of all the political shit going on.”

“Is that the one you meant?” Jan blinked, clutching onto the straps of her backpack as she peeked out of the window to confirm the name of the pub that sat across the way. 

“That’s the one, go ahead.” Nicky confirmed, and this was probably the hardest Jan had ever seen her work in the few months that she had come to know her. Nicky was a languid worker who took everything into her stride, always telling Jackie that the customers preferred her laid back energy. She was immediately charming to customers and most definitely used it to her advantage.

Heeding Nicky’s easy advice, Jan strolled across the road, seeing the sight of Jackie sitting in the window with an older woman she didn’t recognise. She looked smart and well-to-do. Jan hummed as she pushed the door open, catching Jackie’s wide-eyed stare that made her more hesitant as she slowly approached the table. 

“Jackie! I…” Something about Jackie’s expression made her feel like she was intruding. “Nicky said you were here.” She finished lamely, keeping her eyes on Jackie’s face. 

Before Jackie could speak, the other woman did. Her voice was kind, but it did nothing to settle Jan’s fluttering heartbeat that must have been quicker than a hummingbird: “Jacqueline, who’s this?”

“Oh- _uh-_ this is my friend, Jan.” Her voice cracked a little as she spoke, and Jan's brow furrowed. _Friend?_

“Oh! Lovely! Would you like to join us?”

Jan considered it for a moment, she really did, but the word _friend_ was echoing in her head like a broken record. After all the time she had spent delving further and further into her identity and, in turn, further and further into her relationship with Jackie, she didn’t want to play pretend. Whatever this was, it felt viciously sprung onto her without warning.

“Jan?” She could sense the cautious worry in Jackie’s voice, the look in her eyes that said _I can explain._

“That’s very kind of you, but I’m good actually.” Jan answered firmly with a small nod and a forced smile. “I’ll see you later, Jackie.”

Jan heard Jackie call her name again, but she didn’t look back. Jan sped up as she strode down the pavement, and her stomach twisted as she realised she had no idea where she was going.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PS - So the idea for Crystal's queer warehouse situation was partly inspired by Bernadine Evaristo's 'Girl, Woman, Other' - if you haven't read it, go and do that!


	5. June

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Omggggg so when I started this I knew what shape I wanted but couldn't be sure whether it would end in five or six chapters. When I finished this chapter, it felt like the most natural wonderful end for these babies and I hope you agree! I'm proud of this lil world and I hope the last chapter does it justice aAaAaAaAaah! I'm going to miss them!
> 
> Thank you so much for reading, it kinda makes me feel crazy that people are enjoying reading the things I post as much as I enjoy writing them!! 
> 
> I'm @alittle-bitcloser on Tumblr so please come for a chat, and I definitely have ideas in the works for more things! xxx

Jackie hadn’t seen Jan in two days. This fact would be absolutely fine if their last meeting hadn’t been so odd. 

Sure, Jackie hadn’t told Jan that her aunt was coming to meet her for lunch, but she didn’t have to. She’d made sure the pub was close enough to the store so that she could utilise her lunch hour, wax lyrical about her wonderful office space and views for an hour before quickly escaping with the excuse of a busy afternoon full of meetings. "I'm a woman in demand," she would laugh charmingly as she left. It wasn’t that Jackie didn’t love her aunt, because she greatly appreciated the start she’d had in London thanks to her, but she knew this was her parents' own sneaky way of spying on her.

Okay, so spying might be a little harsh.

They were merely concerned for their daughter who barely called and lived across an entire ocean. Nevertheless, Jackie’s defences swiftly shot up at the thought and biological family issues were hers and hers alone to deal with. Jackie had never involved anyone else, never had to, and could absolutely deal with it as she always had done. It had been a big enough deal for her to open up to Jan about her birthday, nevermind having her actually meet a member of the family. 

Of course, Jackie hadn’t bargained for her turning up.

Jackie had felt the chill as soon as Jan breezed into the pub, and her chest ached ever so slightly at the moment it became clear that Jan had seen Jackie’s cautious expression. In a mere second, her movements went from an eager skip to a tentative patter across the wooden floors, the way prey would cower when under threat. The minute Jan had walked out upon the utterance of _friend_ Jackie couldn’t help the tiny noise of helplessness that left her, the noise that she covered with a cough before acting nonchalant about it for the rest of their lunch. Having held it in for the whole meal, Jackie let it all spill out when she returned to work.

“You told Jan to come to the pub.” Jackie accused Nicky immediately with a tightly set jaw and piercing gaze to match. A _hello_ hadn't even crossed her mind.

“Yes.” Nicky cocked her head questioningly, raising an eyebrow. “Jackie, is there a problem? It’s literally _Jan._ ”

“No- Nicky, you don’t understand, I was with my _aunt._ Jan came in all sweet as pie and I called her my friend.” Jackie made an exasperated sound in the back of her throat, pursing her lips in worry. 

Nicky winced at the word _friend,_ and Jackie regretted that she'd spotted it. 

“For one - Jackie, you told nobody. I’d have kept her far away if I’d have known what position you’d be in.” Nicky fired back and clicked her tongue, her gaze fixed onto Jackie’s tense form. A moment passed before Nicky spoke again, gentler this time. “What did she do?”

“Oh, she sat with us and we had a wonderful time together.” Jackie answered sarcastically. “What do you think she did?”

“She left.”

“Bingo.”

Jackie knew where Jan lived, where her student accommodation sat. It wasn’t too far from the store, but something made her feel like Jan needed to simmer and settle before they spoke. As far as Jackie was concerned, Jan needed to accept that sometimes they had to hide whether she liked it or not. Jackie wasn’t willing to speak to a hot-headed Jan who strutted away without taking the time to listen. Jan walked away, so Jan should come back. It was only fair.

As for herself, she wasn’t ready to consider the idea that maybe she should begin to share things a little more. Perhaps she could have shared her anxieties over the dreaded lunch with Jan, met her afterwards to hear her endlessly encouraging words and bathed in her tinkling laughter within the homely warmth of _Category Is…_ until closing time when they would have hopefully ambled back to Jackie’s flat in the warm winds of the evening. 

But that would have been too easy, wouldn’t it?

****

Jan and Lemon had become somewhat of a package deal over the past few weeks. They shared plenty in common and would happily sit up gossiping and attempting to do each other's hair like their pop idols. Lemon was the real best friend Jan had never had. She was sprawled out on the floor of Lemon’s bedroom, her fair hair fanned out around her as she ate crisps out of the sharing bowl placed between them. Lemon was sitting up against her bed, bopping her head _Love in the First Degree_ by Bananarama and patiently listening as Jan told her the story of Jackie and the mystery woman the day before.

“Babe, I’m gonna level with you here.” Lemon slurped her drink noisily with a straw, and the sound obnoxiously pierced Jan’s ears as she anticipated what Lemon would say next.

“Go ahead.”

“You can be a real stupid bitch sometimes.” She deadpanned, and Jan’s jaw dropped comically. Before she could respond, Lemon continued. “Did you even, like, ask? Or _wait_ and ask?”

“I was mad! I don’t care if we have to hide sometimes, I get it, but I felt out of the loop. There I was thinking we were finishing the week as girlfriends and she calls me her friend. It was embarrassing.”

“All I’m saying is that sometimes you gotta suck it up because you don’t know who that person was for starters. People crop up out of nowhere sometimes, and bitch, life does not always let you prepare. You said she’s Persian, right?”

Jan nodded in quiet confirmation before Lemon continued.

“If being with Priyanka has taught me anything, it’s that culture is huge and adds a whole other layer to the general ‘fuck the gays’ attitude we all deal with. We gotta realise that we don’t get it. She taught me to listen. Maybe you should do the same.” Jan nodded as Lemon spoke, biting the inside of her cheek as she considered this. She’d been inside her own head, selfishly wanting Jackie to confide absolutely everything in her when it wasn’t quite that simple. “Does Jackie have family here? Could be one of them.”

“From what I know, they’re all back in Canada.”

“Maybe it was a professional meeting. It could have been about a job?” Lemon mused, wracking her brains. “You don’t think…?”

“No. God, no. She’s _Jackie_ , she would never.” Jan was firm and secure on that. “Plus, Lem, she was _old._ It wouldn’t exactly be trading me in for a fresher model.”

Jan expected to hear her friend's familiar laughter, so her eyebrows shot up in sudden surprise when Lemon made a high, frustrated sound instead.

“Then what are you even pissed about?” She sassily hit back, looking around her exasperatedly. “Well?”

“Ugh, fine, _fine_ , you have a point! Maybe I’m being a total drama queen but I like to be kept in the loop. It felt secretive and weird.”

“Okay, but there’s always a reason people keep secrets, and sometimes people have good reasons.” Lemon picked up a crisp and fed it to Jan, softening her voice a little. “Babe, she likes you. There’s an explanation for this weird little sneaky meeting. Go ask her.”

Jan gave her a small smile. “How are you so smart with this stuff?”

“I may not be able to do math but I _can_ do emotional intelligence.” Lemon whipped her voluminous hair and tapped Jan on the shoulder, prompting her to stop draping herself across the carpet, much to her chagrin. “Now come on, get up. Are we planning these matching Pride outfits or what?”

****

Jackie always took her lunch break at 1.30pm. She was a creature of habit who did certain things at certain times without thinking. Jackie would _always_ have her 11am cup of herbal tea, Jackie would _always_ pick at her cuticles when she felt nervous, and Jackie would _always_ see Jan. The latter hadn’t made any appearances over the past few days. So, when her favourite habit shuffled into the store right on time for Jackie’s usual lunch break, she felt her heart hammering hard against her ribcage. Her heartbeat started as a hummingbird that was desperate to fly and soar, but quickly descended and dimmed in its carefree fluttering when she remembered that Jan had ticked her off. She returned the small _hey_ that Jan offered, and Nicky gave her an encouraging smile from across the store before telling them to just take the back room.

Jackie led Jan in, swallowing thickly and crossing her arms as she leant against the cupboards of the kitchenette. “Would you like a glass of water?”

“No, thank you.” Jan answered, and her uncharacteristic formality made Jackie uncomfortable.

“It was my aunt.” Jackie blurted out, dying to get any kind of confrontation over and done with. “She lives on the edge of the city.”

“How have you never mentioned that to me?” Jan hardened, and Jackie noticed the way she bit the inside of her cheek in an anxious habit.

“You know I don’t really talk about my family.”

“Hmm.”

“You were dramatic, Jan, admit it.” Jackie felt so alive to be reacquainted with the way phosphorescent stars shined in Jan’s brown eyes, but she wasn’t about to give in easily.

Jan visibly bristled at her comment, and Jackie gave her a stern stare before she sighed, seeming to acquiesce ever so slightly and admit that Jackie was right. Which she absolutely was.

“Fine, maybe I was a little dramatic. But if that’s how I feel then I’m gonna show it, doll.”

“Jan, you need to realise that sometimes we have to be ‘friends’ and you can’t always prepare for it like you’re a goddamn actor.”

“You think it was just about that?”

Jackie faltered, her brow furrowing. She wrinkled her nose and cocked her head with a small sound that prompted Jan to continue. 

“I felt like an idiot because I didn’t know what was happening. Yeah, okay, I was pissed that the friend act was sprung on me but most of all I was confused!" Jan always spoke with her hands, and she gesticulated wildly in an attempt to grasp at her feelings."I had no idea who you were even having lunch with, and now it turns out they’re actually an important person in your life.”

“I told no one, Jan. Family is weird for me and you know that.” Jackie bat back, her gaze firm and unwavering. “I didn’t need to tell you but...I’ll admit that I didn’t think you'd turn up.”

“I felt out of the loop, Jackie. It felt secretive, like I wasn’t trusted enough to be in on it.” Jan blinked, her voice matter-of-fact. Jackie always appreciated this about her. Jan could be a complete and utter drama queen, she seemed to revel in it sometimes, but when it came to her feelings she always spoke and looked right at Jackie, her attitude forever earnest and self-assured.

So far, section 28 had been the only cloud over their relationship, distracting from any misunderstandings the two of them could have. When Jan had left the pub without any assurance that her theatrics would stop just over forty eight hours later, Jackie wasn’t acquainted enough with this side of her to know how everything was about to go down. For all Jackie knew, Jan could have been petty and ruthless without a cause. Seeing the back of her head as she left made Jackie feel a little like she was breaking _in two_ \- but right now in this moment - _into_ felt more appropriate. In whatever flawed way she had done it, Jan had -

 _-broken into_ Jackie.

And she knew that sharing had become inevitable.

“Anything she knows could get right back home, and I know for a fact that she talks to my parents. It was probably them who asked her to check up on me.” Jackie sighed, and she realised that her eyes were shiny with the tears that threatened to overspill at any moment. “I don’t want all of _this_ getting back to them. For my mom to realise all of her worst nightmares about me have come true.”

Jan took a tiny step closer, and Jackie watched her carefully as she tentatively opened up her arms for her. It was an olive branch, but it felt far sweeter than olives. It didn't have the tang, it was sweet like peaches or strawberries. Jackie's tears took that particular moment to fall onto her cheeks, and she immediately took the invitation to be wrapped in Jan's secure hug. After a few quiet moments, she could hear Jan speaking, saying her name against her shoulder, and she pulled back to listen properly.

“I’m sorry, Jackie. I didn’t even wait to consider the implications of it being a family member, I was too wrapped up in my own head. After our talk in the park I should have thought about it…” Jan gave her an abashed smile, tucking one of her pretty blonde strands behind her ear. “I want to learn more though, Jacks. About your family and your culture. They’re far away but they’re a part of you, right?”

Jackie nodded, a grateful smile gracing her lips. Jan’s face was tinged with the clement and orange lighting of the back room, and the ticking clock became deafening in Jackie’s ears as she took her in. Jackie had not slept well since their less than pleasant encounter at the pub, and she stifled a yawn with the back of her hand. She loved it when Jan's voice took on the same quality as her watchful gaze, and the joining of them held Jackie steady.

“Let’s just actually talk to each other, and I promise I’ll actually get some patience. Maybe.” Jan added with a friendly giggle, and she seemed to sense that Jackie wasn’t about to add to her simple nod. She looked up at her, her brown eyes gentle and open as she slipped her hands around Jackie’s waist. Her fingertips travelled until they slid into the back pockets of her faded mom jeans.

“You’ve got yourself a deal, Jannifer.” The brown hue of her eyes, the chocolate and specks of gold, made Jackie feel like facing things alone was suddenly a little ridiculous. She had Jan.

The muffled sound of Nicky cooing and Rock talking in what could only be described as a voice intended for babies came from the main area of the store, and Jan raised a questioning brow at Jackie who returned her own confused expression. Jackie took Jan by the hand, feeling utterly restored and settled, and tugged her towards the door. Their hands were not intertwined for long, however, as Jan let out a childlike gasp and ran towards Rock who was cradling a long haired, tabby cat in her arms. She looked like a proud mother.

“Who’s _this beautiful little baby?”_ Jan’s voice somehow reached a pitch higher than Jackie had ever heard it as she cooed and petted the cat’s head, who seemed to be loving all of the attention. Jackie approached slowly, her smile fond as she gave its head a scratch.

“This stray kitty followed me! I think it’s a boy but like that matters.” Rock was ecstatic, pressing kisses to the cat’s soft fur, and Nicky’s eyes were ablaze with enthusiasm.

“Are you going to take him home?” Jan was _aww_ -ing and _ahhh_ -ing with every little touch she gave.

“That’s the thing. My building doesn’t allow pets…” Rock looked between Jackie and Nicky, her eyes widening in, ironically enough, her own version of puppy dog eyes. “He needs a hooooome…”

“Oh no, no way. Bob would never go for this.” Jackie was firm, but she immediately knew that it was three against one.

“Jackie, come _on,_ you’ve never been one to resist a pretty pussy.” Rock grinned and wiggled her eyebrows.

“Ha! Jackie’s resisted me enough times,” Nicky winked playfully, snickering before she carried on. “I say let’s keep him. I’ll talk Bob round.”

Jackie wasn’t convinced, but when she finished the shift by kissing Jan in the empty store like her life depended on it and they felt soft fur affectionately brush against their ankles, she figured that he would fit in pretty well.

****

Jackie was a river. That’s how Jan felt, anyway. She flowed at a consistent speed, and sometimes it picked up, but the riptide was never dangerous. It was never unfriendly, rather it carried Jan along and led her to where she needed to be. Jan used to be on a boat, languidly travelling further into the meanders of the river that was Jackie, but things felt different now. Jan felt cold water around her ankles and it was rising as she slowly walked deeper without the fear of sharp rocks or unsafe vines that could grab her ankles.

Jackie was finally allowing her to become submerged, and Jan liked it.

Jackie opened one of her drawers clumsily and pulled out a pack of cards, waving them at Jan. “Wanna play?”

“The look on your face says that you’re good so I kinda wanna say no…?”

“Don’t be such a baby, c’mon.” Jackie batted back, expertly shuffling the cards as she sat opposite her on the bed. Jan was determined not to look impressed, not to give Jackie the smug satisfaction that her showing off was working in just the way she intended. Jan wasn’t sure she was succeeding, however, because she was absolutely taken with the precise way she shuffled the deck and held them within her fingers. She was absolutely not obsessed with Jackie’s fingers, nope, not one bit. It just took her a rather long time to tear her eyes away and look back at her face. She considered making a dirty joke, but she was a little too distracted to think of a good one after where her mind had travelled to.

“I’m going to teach you Hokm, okay? It’s an Iranian card game my mom taught me.” Jackie told her with a small, meaningful smile, and Jan knew that this was her way of talking about her family with Jan, more and more and little by little. She felt a warm rush of appreciation that was helped by the heat of Jackie’s arm when she momentarily touched it. The touch was like a thank you.

When Jackie was like this, Jan liked to imagine that the river had little waterfalls. It allowed the tide to become playful and confident, making Jan giggle with unexpected jolts and surprises. Never shocks, always surprises.

Jan listened intently to her explanation, nodding and trying to keep up with the rules, but it didn’t help her much when it came to the actual game play. Jan whined about how Jackie had years of experience in her favour, but in truth, she wasn’t sure that she would have fared better against a new player either. She couldn’t get the hang of tactics and bluffing, so Jackie steamrolled over her again and again.

 _“Again!”_ Jan demanded again and again as her competitive nature got the best of her, but Jackie kissed away her final pout when she refused another game after six rounds.

“I think we’re done.” Jackie replied firmly, making a point to shuffle the cards together into a pile. “Good job, Jan.”

“Good job? I lost every single time.”

“Well...You tried. Don’t cry now.” She teased her affectionately with a wink for good measure.

Jan let out a loud laugh, a guffaw that filled the room up with its joy, and she swatted Jackie’s arm with the promise that she would beat her next time (even if she didn’t believe it). Jackie stood, and her bare thighs welcomed Jan’s gaze. She was only dressed in her baggy patterned shirt from that day, and her simple black underwear peeked out when she bent over to pop the cards away into the drawer they belonged in. She walked with purpose, but didn’t rush, humming to herself as she did. Jan couldn’t work out the song, and she rarely could, but that didn’t bother her.

Jan remembered the little things she had learnt about rivers in school. She’d sat at desks with the other girls, her knee length skirt creating angry red marks on the skin of her waist as she learned that rivers began as streams, up in the rocky mountains where things were steep and jagged. Jackie was so reliable, skin ablaze and scorching in the candle light, that Jan felt safe to flow between the sharp rocks that made themselves known in everyday life. Jackie seemed solid, and Jan trusted that she was.

“Jacks, you’re so beautiful.” Jan was unfiltered, and the words fell from her mouth like melted candle wax. It puddled at Jackie’s feet, seeming to stick her to the floorboards where she was standing.

“Wha-?” Jackie spun around, looking sheepish with a smile on her face. “Where did that come from?”

“Your _who? Me? -“_ Jan dramatically pretended to clutch her pearls, imitating Jackie’s surprised face. “- act is boring. Yes, you’re gorg and everyone flirts with you. Now get over here and remind me that I’m the only one who actually has you.”

Jackie surrendered to her request just as Jan hoped that she would. Jan knew she liked her cheeky comments, the way she could get a little possessive. Would she use that to her advantage? Absolutely. Jackie made the bed dip ever so slightly when she knelt up on it, and it reminded Jan of the middle of the night when Jackie would go to the bathroom and return. Jan liked being woken up by it, as it was her chance to know Jackie in the vulnerability of the dark. Jackie crawled across the small distance that lay between them before closing it completely and letting their lips collide. 

Jan had always been told to keep away from rivers. She was told to stay away from the edge, that it was filthy and unsafe. People dropped litter in rivers, her father would point out. They didn’t treat them kindly, and Jan’s mom had always steered her away. The ocean was a different story, and the Jersey Shore had defined her childhood without ever feeling quite right to her. She was encouraged into the waves and swam her Summers away even though she wasn’t sure it was a good fit for her. 

Jackie’s kisses were adoring, and they swept Jan up gently as she floated in the deluge of Jackie. She kissed with a purpose. This particular river would probably be yet another that her parents would steer her away from, but she was content to be buoyant in the feeling of Jackie’s tongue sliding against hers and the way her laughter bubbled up into Jan’s mouth. 

Jackie’s smirks tasted like a fresh, clear spring against her lips and Jan was always told that drinking water was good for you. 

****

Pride was incredibly important to Jackie. Her first one was London Pride 1986 where they had tried to enforce a ‘no politics’ rule that epically fell flat (much to her own relief and joy - they had plenty to shout about). There would be no chance of them even trying to enforce that this year, and the spirit of protest was strong in the air as Section 28 dragged behind their march like lead. It was heavy, and they carried it on their shoulders as they walked, determined to show their colours anyway.

The stark clashing of purple against yellow gave Jan and Lemon away in the crowds as they approached the _Category Is…_ crew, and Jackie grinned to herself. Jan’s commitment to a theme was ridiculously endearing, and Jackie was thrilled that she had met Lemon. Of course, she was thrilled that Jan had a queer confidant who shared so much in common with her, but she was mostly thrilled because it saved her from the wrath of matching outfits. Jackie was a woman of rich toned oranges and blues, and even if her favourite person was the personification of purple, it would be a rare sight to find Jackie in that particular colour. 

Jackie’s look for the day couldn’t have been more different. Her curls were springy and framed her face, spiralling over her shoulders to where she wore a blue patterned shirt complete with trousers and braces. She’d paired it with her doc martens and felt comfortable, she felt like herself. The only element of anyone else was Crystal's blue glitter that she had excitedly smeared across Jackie's cheeks. Jan bounded over to her, and even Jackie would admit that her gaze could have had cartoon hearts in it as she squealed and pulled Jackie into a joyful kiss by her braces. The safety of Pride didn’t stop Jackie from taking a moment to peek about before they kissed, but Jan didn’t seem to notice. 

“It’s my first Pride parade _and_ you look hot. I like today.” Jan smiled with her tongue between her teeth, bouncing with excitement on the balls of her feet.

Jackie laced her fingers at the base of Jan’s neck, and before she could answer they were interrupted by Lemon. 

“I have the lip gloss _ready_ to reapply! Make out and get it over with!” She said pointedly, but was quickly distracted by the sight of Priyanka, stark in her jade green outfit, waving as she approached her in a little run. Jackie noticed the way Lemon’s eyes immediately softened and how she tilted her head with an utterly devoted smile, and she knew that expression all too well. That expression was truly _fucked_ , but in the absolute best way. Jackie couldn’t help but wonder if she looked _that_ gone whenever she looked at Jan.

“Jackieeee…” Jan snapped her out of it, her voice ever so slightly whiny. Jackie would never admit just how much she revelled in a needy Jan. “Kiss me again.”

Jackie conceded easily with a soft roll of her eyes, never one to keep Jan waiting, only to hear the snapping of Sasha’s disposable camera. She reminded herself to ask for that one later. 

“Goddamn lesbians, why do I surround myself with you?” Bob quipped, his arm around Nicky who was laughing against his side.

“Because we’re the smartest human beings in the world? Remember?” Nicky was cheeky, a beer can already in her hand despite it being barely afternoon.

“I'm starting to rethink my logic." Bob retorted, letting out a cackle at Nicky's expression and speaking again before she would undoubtedly curse at him. "Let’s go, I need to find some trade, _stat_.” 

Jackie felt happy in that way that was absolutely exclusive to a long, hot day at Pride. The march that day felt more purposeful than ever before and Jackie had felt a lump form in her throat as she considered the sheer volume of people around her. Crystal had noticed the look on her face and nudged her, telling her that crying was _her_ job and Jackie shouldn’t take it from her. According to Bob, the rumour was that 40,000 people had turned up in protest to Section 28, but surely it couldn't that many. Jackie couldn’t get her head around it. She worried her bottom lip between her teeth at times, panicked that the echo chamber she surrounded herself with would one day be infiltrated by the efforts of the outside. They were a closed circuit, and this Pride March made Jackie think that perhaps there were more cables than she had ever considered. There were more wires for the power to run through, and hopefully that meant it was harder to break.

Shea’s beautifully made 'Lesbian Strength' banner was held between her and Sasha, and they all alternated positions as they walked, but Jackie’s favourite view was Jan’s proud toothy grin during her turn to hold it up. She brandished it unapologetically, as though she’d done it a million times before.

Visibility had always felt terrifying to Jackie, but Jan seemed to fearlessly hold it in the palms of her hand and nurture it. Before leaving home, visibility had always felt like a way to wear her shame, and Jackie would blend in as much as she possibly could. She was allowed to stand out for the right reasons, like her intellect, but soon she realised that her aversion to dating made her stand out anyway. So even when she wasn’t dating women, she couldn’t win. Jackie would laugh nervously with an apologetic "maman, _no_ ," whenever her parents tried to set her up on dates with the best intentions. That version of Jackie couldn’t have begun to consider who she was now. When she was fresh out of university, Jackie continued to heave the baggage of hiding behind her, so it amazed her to see the way Jan freely took to it.

They ended up sitting in St James’ Park, and Shea begrudgingly allowed them to use her banner as somewhat of a picnic blanket between them. Crystal had invited the mysterious Gigi along who they had only ever heard of by name, and Jackie had vetted her until she felt satisfied that, yes, she was good enough for their Crystal. It felt crucial that she should get the same scrutiny that anyone would get from a concerned parent, and while Crystal rolled her eyes, Jackie could see the way her lips were upturned in a soft smile around her blunt.

Jan was sitting beside Jackie, and beyond her were the little group that had evolved over the past month, growing around Jan like a collection of flowers that were meant to be bunched together. Lemon, Priyanka, Jan and Izzy were posing for photos, Izzy constantly piping up that she most definitely had her eyes closed as Sasha snapped her disposable camera until the film was done. Jan’s pose immediately relaxed, and she dramatically crashed into Jackie and used her lap as a pillow. Her freckles had emboldened in the sun, and her nose wrinkled when she felt a sneeze coming on from the pollen of the Summer's day.

The heat had been unforgiving, but Jackie liked it. She felt thankful that England’s classic rain wasn’t hammering down, allowing them to drink and frolic in the way that felt most proud. Jan began to restlessly shuffle in her uncomfortable warmth and eventually sat up as she fanned at her face.

“Ugh, my underboob sweat is _ridiculous.”_ Jan complained, adjusting her cleavage in such a way that Jackie couldn’t help but momentarily stare. When she looked up, Jan was watching her face knowingly. _Busted._

“Whatcha staring at?” 

“Your titties!” Priyanka obnoxiously yelled from across the circle before Jackie could give a smart ass answer, and she couldn’t help but snort a laugh and mutter an "oh my god, _"_ under her breath.

Jackie was shocked that Nicky hadn’t snapped that comment first, but when she looked round she was greeted by a less than surprising sight. Nicky was surrounded by women, seemingly in her element as she made out with one of them and turned around to immediately start kissing another. She was known for her wild antics at Pride, and this year would be no different. Jackie was grateful to not be single this year, as Nicky had a penance for (unsuccessfully) trying to drag her into her many escapades.

“Oh, wow. She’s impressive.” Jan giggled into the bottle of cheap wine she and Jackie were passing back and forth. It kept making her hiccup and Jackie couldn’t contain herself whenever the little squeaks happened.

“You think that’s impressive? You’ve seen nothing, Pride is Nicky’s _playground.”_ Sasha said pointedly, and Jackie nodded in agreement.

“Do you remember last year? We lost her by five, found her with a whole _harem_ by eight and she woke up in Brighton.” Shea supplied without missing a beat, her eyes wide as if to say _I dare you to not believe me._

“Like, by the ocean!”

“Rock, we know where Brighton is.” Jackie quirked an eyebrow.

“It was for Jan’s benefit but then I remembered she was only in school like last year, so geography must be pretty fresh in her mind.” Rock did her best Jan impression, flipping her candy coloured hair with an overly enthusiastic smile. She added some jazz hands for good measure.

 _“_ Oh my god- _”_ Jackie ignored the way Jan’s uncaring giggles tinkled in her ears, leaning over to swat Rock on any body part she could reach (it was her leg).

“What? Jackie! If I can’t get a girl then the least you can do is let me make fun of yours. I know she’s old enough, yada yada yada-”

“ _Anyway._ Jackie, what happened with the cat situation?” Sasha's interruption was a welcome one.

Underneath their chatter, and at the mention of cats, Jackie registered Izzy teasing Priyanka and Lemon for their cheesy petnames of ‘Kitty’ and ‘Kat’. It distracted her for long enough that the answer to Sasha's question came before she could even open her mouth.

“They’re keeping him!” Jan squealed, clearly far too excited to keep her mouth shut. “Sorry! Go ahead, Jacks.” She added with an apologetic simper, twisting a lock of her hair around her finger.

“Thanks for that, Jan.” Jackie huffed a fond laugh, grinning to show her that she was unbothered before turning to Shea. “Bob isn’t a total fan but he figured that Nicky and I would take care of him. That, and he said a cat might pull in more lesbian clientele-” She rolled her eyes, quoting his joke. 

“Aww. Does he have a name?” Shea rested her chin in her palm, her voice dreamy. 

“Oscar. Like Oscar Wilde.”

The sky’s milky haze slowly gave way to the stars. They penetrated the sky with a dominance, piercing through the canvas that had blushed before darkness began to overtake it. Jackie knew that the night would bring dancing in crowds, and she would begrudgingly allow it.

Jackie was fond of the stars because they never allowed it to be entirely dark. 

That sounded a lot like Jan to her. 

****

That night, the streets of Soho were full of a whooping laughter and freedom that only came from a day that hoped for liberation. Jan’s hand was tightly clasped in Jackie’s, and she liked that Jackie’s hands were ever so slightly bigger than her own. 

With Jackie to her right and Lemon to her left, Jan felt fully enveloped in love and protection. 

Jan was miles away from the person she arrived in London as, and her branches had grown and flourished. She had blossomed flowers and fruits in abundance, even when the environment threatened to wear her down. She was nourished by a new kind of family who allowed her to grow in every which way, vulnerability and strength running through her veins like a drug.

“Jan?” It was unusual for Jan to go quiet for longer than a few minutes at a time, and Jackie questioned her softly, breaking the barrier of her thoughts with a gentle push. 

That was all Jackie ever needed to do to access Jan’s mind. 

“What’s on your mind?” Jackie added, biting her lip through her smile. Jan looked at how Crystal’s glitter had smudged from her face and how her lipstick was crumbling off from the drinks she’d had. 

Jan thought she looked perfect. Jan also thought that she was far too dizzy to put her many thoughts into words and answer Jackie's question. Instead, she leant up to press a kiss to the ruined glitter on Jackie’s cheek. 

Jackie simply turned her head so that Jan would meet her lips instead.

  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jackie's Pride outfit is based on her werkroom outfit from the Snatch Game episode and like...amen.


End file.
